


Black Swan

by Flamoria



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Acceptance, Alternate Universe - Dance, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Anxiety Disorder, Body Worship, Bottom Eren Yeager, Choreographer Eren Yeager, Complete, Dancer Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Denial of Feelings, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Forgiveness, French Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Long-Haired Eren Yeager, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Minor Character Death, Moving On, Older Eren Yeager, Past Violence, Tattooed Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Top Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Vulnerability
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-21
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:22:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 32,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22297765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flamoria/pseuds/Flamoria
Summary: 24-year-old Eren Yeager has risen as one of the best choreographers of his time. He's known by friends and clients as one of the most passionate people they have ever met. Scared of allowing the world to see his true vulnerable self, he chooses to stand behind the scenes and allow for others to display that passion in his place.Enter 33-year-old famous dancer Levi Ackerman. Well known in the industry for his immense talent as well as his less-than-friendly attitude. Despite his reservations, Eren agrees to work with Levi as his choreographer. Little does the younger man know that this decision will change everything that he ever thought he knew about the world, and most importantly, himself.
Relationships: Levi/Eren Yeager
Comments: 275
Kudos: 747





	1. Chapter 1

**_“But now let's have a surprise  
let's have a dream which isn't under control.  
Well, somethings going to happen to me that I don't know what it's going to be.  
Then you would get more and more adventurous  
and you would make further and further out gambles  
as to what you would dream  
and finally you would dream where you are now.”_ **

**_-Alan Watts_**

* * *

“Have you ever heard of Levi Ackerman?” Armin’s voice broke Eren from his concentration, sweat dripping down every surface of his body as he paused from his dance, mirrors reflecting the blond nervously twiddling his thumbs behind him. 

Eren sighed as he pulled his black tank top away from his chest and used it to wipe the moisture from his face. A few pieces of his long chestnut-colored hair had broken free from his bun, falling in front of his face, and he flicked them away in annoyance, golden eyes shining with mirth. 

Levi Ackerman. It was impossible to _not_ know who he was. A senior in the game of dance, at thirty-three years old he’d made quite the name for himself. Crowned best dancer of the current generation, placed on the cover of Times Magazine, won multiple awards throughout his career, and all for good reason. 

Eren had spent plenty of spare time pouring over videos of the older man and he was ethereal, the amount of power that his body held was magnificent. Levi was physically gorgeous, yes, but it was _more_ than that. He transcended all barriers, connecting people around the world through dance. Eren would say he was more than just a master of the craft; Levi was the epitome of it.

“Of course, I’ve heard of him. I don’t think it’s possible to be part of the dancing world and have not heard of Levi Ackerman. Why did you interrupt me to ask such a thing? You know I don’t like to be disturbed while I’m practicing the choreography I’ve created. Petra needs this soon.” 

Eren hated to sound like an ass, however, he was on a deadline. For the past few months, he’d been working tirelessly on coming up with the perfect choreography for the young up and coming contemporary dancer Petra Ral. He was meticulous when it came to deciding who he would work with, and though he knew a lot of people adored her for her looks, he had agreed to create a piece for her because of _who_ she was. 

Her personality and dedication to the craft was refreshing, so different than a lot of these other young dancers who practically demanded they be worked with based on talent alone. But Petra was different. She didn’t dance because she was good at it, she danced because she loved it. Lived and breathed for it. Would be nothing without it. 

Armin looked at Eren apologetically as he handed him a cool thermos of water as a peace treaty. They’d been working together long enough for the blond to know Eren wasn’t truly mad at him, he was just stressed. Over the past five years the brunet had risen to fame as one of the best choreographers of his time and with that fame came the added pressure. If he created anything less than perfect, it could tarnish his image forever. 

“I just got off the phone with his manager. He wants to work with y-”

“No.”

“But Eren-”

“I said no, Armin. You know how I am when it comes to picking dancers to choreograph for. I enjoy working with individuals like Petra and Marco. Levi is... _not_ that.” 

Yes, he’d heard of Levi Ackerman. Sadly, not just due to his talent. It was a well-known fact that the older man was one of the most difficult people to work with. He had a less-than-friendly personality, an obsession with cleanliness, a foul mouth, and could be ridiculously eccentric. 

His fellow choreographer and friend Mikasa had worked with him a few years ago, said he called her multiple times in the middle of the night to either complain about parts of the choreography and wanting to change them or to ask for more one on one time. Levi frequently enjoyed arguing with his choreographers and, although he went above and beyond during the performances, he was more trouble than it was worth. 

Armin sighed and shook his head, “Okay. I’ll call his manager back and let him know.” 

Eren simply nodded and waited for Armin to leave the room before turning the music back on and starting his routine from the top. He couldn’t accept anything less than perfection. 

••

Eren watched, mesmerized, as Petra glided across the stage. Every movement was intentional, in perfect sync with the instrumentals floating through the air, her body telling the story of heartbreak and pain without requiring the use of words. 

The strawberry-blonde had been ecstatic when Eren presented the final piece to her and they’d practiced endlessly for weeks until there was not one flaw present in the routine. Sitting in the audience now as a bystander was confirmation enough to know he’d chosen the right person to work with. 

The audience was captivated by her performance, eyes shining with delight, hearts beating in tune with Petra’s, not a single sound being made aside from the sniffling of those moved by the dancer in front of them. As soon as the performance ended, loud claps resounded throughout the auditorium. 

This was, to date, Petra’s biggest performance and Eren couldn’t help but smile wide at the reaction she was receiving. When they’d first met, she had been timid and shy. Now she stood before him, breathing deeply as she bowed, confidence clear as she beamed at the crowd. He felt proud, as he often did with his dancers after a successful performance. 

Thirty minutes later found him with his arms wrapped tightly around the small woman, whispering words of congratulations in her ear. 

“I hope we can work together again in the future,” she said brightly, eyes shining with a joy that people seldom had the pleasure of experiencing. 

Eren smiled in return and stepped back, running his hands over his black suit feeling oddly out of place. As much as he loved coming to performances, he despised dressing up and being around so many people. It’s why, though he adored dancing, he’d chosen to remain behind the scenes for his career. 

“I hope so too. I’m going to head out. Enjoy the rest of your night, Petra. You deserve it.” 

Petra gave him a small nod, understanding that he was leaving not because he didn’t want to celebrate with her but because he was uncomfortable socializing with so many people. They waved goodbye before Eren turned and made his way outside into the cool fall night. 

“Mr. Yeager,” a deep voice said laced with a heavy French accent. 

Eren stopped in his tracks and turned, eyes widening slightly when he saw none other than Levi Ackerman standing before him. 

Although Eren was aware of his stats, the man was much shorter than he had anticipated. However, his height didn’t distract from the fact that he was also much more gorgeous in person than his videos let on. Lean and lithe body covered in a form-fitting black tux, silver eyes gleaming as he stared Eren up and down. 

“Mr. Ackerman, it’s a pleasure to meet you. I hope you enjoyed the performance.” 

Levi blinked, “Why did you say no?” 

_Ah, shit. Of course._

Eren ran his hand through his shoulder-length hair and looked towards his car, body itching to run away from this situation. Levi wasn’t the first dancer he had said no to; however, he was the first who had gone out of their way to find him and question his decision. 

“Because I don’t want to. Do I need any other answer than that? Now, if you don’t mind, I’ve had a long night and I would like to get home.” 

He turned to walk away but Levi gripped his arm tightly, forcing him to stop and turn back to face the shorter man. He pursed his lips to keep from saying something he might regret and, instead, wrenched his arm out of Levi’s grasp with an annoyed huff. 

Levi narrowed his eyes at Eren before saying darkly, “that’s not a good enough excuse. A kid such as yourself should be jumping at the opportunity to work with me.” 

Eren was quiet for a moment, staring at Levi waiting for the man to say something else and, when he didn’t, he tilted his head back and laughed. 

“A kid such as me? Aren’t you the one coming to me asking for a collaboration? Fuck, you’re just as full of yourself as everyone says. There’s your excuse.” 

He turned to walk away once more and this time, rather than grabbing ahold of him, Levi moved to block his path. At this point, Eren was becoming increasingly annoyed. He’d always been known by those who he had worked with for his excessive amount of patience and it seemed Levi was about to ruin his good image. 

“I admit, I’m not the easiest to work with. However, I can promise you I _am_ the most dedicated dancer you will ever meet. Dance isn’t just a passion of mine; it is my life. Without it I am nothing, do you understand?” 

Eren crossed his arms over his chest and sighed, rolling his eyes as he responded in a clipped tone, “I don’t see what that has to do with any of this. I said no. Find someone else.” 

“I don’t want anyone else.” 

“Why do you want to work with me so badly?” Eren asked, hating that the curiosity building inside his gut was evident when he spoke, overriding the annoyed tone he’d used only moments before. 

“For personal reasons.” 

Eren stepped around Levi and pressed the button on his keychain to unlock his car. “That’s not a good enough excuse,” he said smugly, throwing the older man’s words right back at him. He wasn’t in the mood to play games; he wanted to go home and take a hot shower and rest. It wouldn’t be long until he took on another dancer, his work consuming his life for months on end. 

He desired the moments in between when he could finally allow his body and mind to rest. He poured every part of himself into his routines and there had been numerous times where he’d forgotten to eat and nearly collapsed. It’s why Armin had insisted on quitting his job as a high school science teacher and working as Eren’s assistant manager instead, knowing that without him around Eren would be more inclined to neglect himself. 

“I want to work with you because I know you and I are more alike than you think,” Levi said quietly, his voice barely reaching Eren over the sound of the taller man opening his car door. 

Surprise stilled Eren’s movements as he looked up over the top of his car, eyes locking with a very different Levi than the one he was used to seeing presented on the screen. That Levi was full of confidence and grace that demanded respect and admiration. This one appeared to be lost and forlorn, as though there existed no place in the world that he could call his own. 

“What makes you think that we are anything alike?” 

Levi’s lip twitched slightly, not quite a smile, “Work with me and you’ll find out.” 

Eren sighed and chewed on his bottom lip, contemplating what he should do. He’d be breaking his personal code if he decided to work with Levi, however, he couldn’t deny that it was the opportunity of a lifetime. He doubted if he said no that he’d ever again have the chance to work with someone quite like the man standing before him.

“Alright, we have a deal. We’ll begin in three weeks. Meet me at my studio on November 15th and bring the song you’d like to use and an idea of what it is you wish to convey with you. We’ll go from there.” 

Levi had the nerve to not even look surprised that Eren agreed, in fact, he appeared particularly smug once the younger man finished speaking. He nodded his head once before saying, “Have a good night, Mr. Yeager. I’ll see you in three weeks.” 

Little did Eren know that this decision would change everything he’d ever thought he knew of the world, and most importantly, himself.

••

Three weeks later found Eren sitting in the office portion of his studio next to Armin with Levi Ackerman and Erwin Smith across from him. They’d just gone over finalizing the details of their collaboration, which included the most money Eren had ever made working with a client in his life. To the bewilderment of Armin, Eren had tried to negotiate into getting paid less. He didn’t do what he did to make a pretty penny and he felt as though he didn’t deserve such a sum, however, Levi wasn’t having it. 

Once they were finished discussing business, Erwin gave Eren a knowing smile that had him feeling confused as he shook his hand and said his goodbyes. It looked as though the tall blond was in on some secret and it had the choreographer feeling a slight bit of discomfort crawling up his spine. He chose to ignore it as he parted ways with Armin and led Levi to the dance room. 

“This is where we’ll be spending most of our time together. You’re free, of course, to practice at home but I don’t make house visits. I prefer working in a space I am familiar and comfortable with.” Eren explained as he showed Levi around the room, pointing out the bathroom, water fountains, shower room, and the expensive sound system he’d recently had installed. 

It was a beautiful space, one wall full of mirrors, another with wide glass windows that allowed sunlight it, and the other two full of various paintings from his favorite artists as well as photos of him with past clients and friends. The floor was made of rich mahogany that was comfortable and easy to move around on and in the corners of the room near the window were tall and healthy money tree plants. 

The lights in the ceiling were circular and bright, turned off right now due to the sunlight pouring in but perfect to provide much-needed brightness in case he wanted to dance by himself at night or if a client couldn’t make it in during the day. He swept and mopped the floor nightly while Armin took care of the plants as Eren had a habit of forgetting. 

It might not be the fanciest place in the world, but it was his, a space in which he could freely be himself without the judgment of others. He’d spent years getting it to this point and, although improvements were still needed, Eren was more than happy with where it was compared to the dump it had been when he’d first bought it. 

“How does someone your age afford such a place?” Levi asked as he pulled out his iPhone, scrolling through his Spotify playlist and grabbing the nearby Aux chord. 

“That’s a bit of an invasive question to ask, don’t you think?” Eren replied, doing his best to deflect the question. It wasn’t the first time someone had asked it, however, something about the tone of Levi’s voice rubbed him the wrong way. As though the man thought Eren was some privileged kid who got everything he wanted tossed at his feet. 

“Kid, we’re about to be spending a lot of time together over the next few months. If you think that’s an invasive question, you’re in for the ride of your fucking life.” 

Eren blinked and sighed, moving to sit cross-legged on the ground before closing his eyes. He liked to be able to visualize the song as it played to get an image of what movements would go best with portraying the emotions embedded between the notes. 

“My parents died when I was young, and they had a lot of money saved up. As soon as I hit eighteen, I inherited all of it and decided to buy this place and work towards fixing it up. No more questions. I need to concentrate.” 

Levi looked at Eren curiously, as though he were dissecting some sort of rare creature and could see all the mysteries lying hidden underneath. He opened his mouth, about to say more, but the way Eren’s lips pursed had the older man quickly shutting it with a hum. Instead, he hit the play button and sat down next to the choreographer, close enough that Eren could feel his body heat but not near enough that they were touching. 

A haunting melody immediately filled the room, the instrumentals dark and yearning, as though the person playing them was running out of time. To his surprise, soft male vocals soon followed, crooning along with the mournful violin that sang into the nearly empty room. After the first stanza, the melody picked up and the voice along with it. _Desperate, searching, lost._ Eren had never listened to a song that left him feeling so bare before, his heart ached, and he could feel wetness forming behind closed eyelids. 

All the dancers he’d worked with previously had been against bringing him music with lyrics accompanying it. Perhaps it was because of this, that although the dancer could bring those emotions to the surface without words, adding them to the dance amplified those feelings exponentially. Creating a world in which one was forced to be vulnerable, to say “I identify with these lyrics on a personal level, can you see it reflected on my soul?” 

When the song was over, Eren asked for Levi to play it again, refusing to open his eyes and not moving an inch from the spot he’d taken up residence in. It wasn’t until he’d heard it fully through no less than ten times that he finally opened his eyes and sighed, leaning back on his hands as he turned his head to look at Levi. 

“I’ve never choreographed for something quite like this before. I have an image of what story I’d like to tell in my head but let me hear your ideas first.” 

Levi nodded and then hit the play button once more, pausing every now and then as he explained what he had envisioned for each portion of the song. Some parts Eren agreed with, and others had him shaking his head with discontentment. If there was anyone who could pull off dancing to a song such as this, it was Levi. It was Eren who felt as though he wouldn’t be able to live up to something so utterly beautiful and heart-wrenching. It left him feeling slightly vulnerable, and he was happy that it wouldn’t be him up on that stage for everyone to scrutinize. 

“Okay, I’ve got a good idea of how to weave your ideas together with the ones I have. I’ll start practicing tonight and making it cohesive. In about a week I should have something solid for us to begin working with.”

Levi shook his head, “a week is too long. I want to start in two days.”

Eren sighed and rubbed his hands over his face, they weren’t even into a full day of working together and Levi was already arguing with him. “Why so soon? The more time I have to work through my thoughts the better it will be.” 

“We don’t have time. I need to be ready to perform this on February 14th.” 

Eren released his hands from his face and onto the floor with a loud smack, a moment of shock keeping him from speaking right away. 

“That’s not even three full months from now. With multiple holidays coming up…that doesn’t give us nearly enough time to prepare. You didn’t talk about a deadline when Mr. Smith was here this morning.” 

Levi looked away, jaw clenched and hands curling into fists. His entire body tensed up, as though he were preparing to fight with someone. Eren found himself scooting away, wondering if the man had a violent streak to him that he’d somehow failed to hear through the grapevine. 

“I didn’t want either of them to hear. It’s my mother. She was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer about a month ago. The fucked-up part is my mom doesn’t even smoke, hates it. However, we didn’t grow up in the best conditions and she worked for years around people who constantly sucked that shit down their throats. They didn’t find it soon enough and it’s spread too far…”

Levi trailed off, unclenching his hands and letting out a long sigh as he looked down at the wooden floor beneath him. 

“I told her I’d pay for it all. But she wouldn’t have it. Said there was no use in putting myself through debt just to expand her life by only a few short months. They gave her six months to live at the most. This will be the last performance of mine that she ever sees. I wasn’t always a good son, I put her through hell at times, and I have spent most of my adult life kicking myself in the ass to make up for it. I need her to see this. I need her to know.”

Levi looked Eren in the eye, so many emotions swirling in those silver debts, pulling the younger man in and making his heart clench. He hadn’t known when he took Levi on that he’d be creating a piece that would be this important, that would have this much impact. A part of him still felt as though he wasn’t the right person for this, however, Levi had reached out to him. If his dancer had faith in him, he needed to return that trust tenfold.

“Will you do it?” Levi asked him, hardly daring to breathe as he waited for the answer. 

“They don’t call me one of the best for nothing. Come back in two days at eight in the morning, we’ll go from there.” 

Levi ducked his head and, for the first time since they’d met, the softest of smiles crossed his face. 

“Thank you.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Being vulnerable is something that I struggle with constantly. I'm horrible at talking in-depth about my emotions, so when Levi and Eren came to me with this story I didn't want to write it at first. I used the excuse that I already had other WIP's and couldn't start anything new until they were finished. However, I had to come to terms that until I wrote this I wouldn't be able to focus on anything else. 
> 
> There is something cathartic about writing a piece interwoven with such personal experiences and emotions. This is, by far, one of the most difficult things I've written. I don't know if I would call it my best work, but I am proud of it. I hope you all enjoy what I've put into this. Thank you, as always, for allowing me to share with you and being so supportive. It means the world to me.


	2. Chapter 2

The next few days brought about the most difficult choreography Eren had ever put together in his life. Levi was everything people told him he would be and more. His foul-mouth didn’t just extend to inserting expletives into almost every sentence, no. It was much worse than that. The man talked about shitting more than anyone he had ever met in his life and had absolutely no qualms with the fact that he was talking about something so personal with a practical stranger. 

On top of that, he enjoyed pushing all Eren’s buttons. He wasn’t afraid to state his mind and he argued with the choreographer at almost every turn, calling him out for not making a move complicated enough or continuously disagreeing with his analysis of the piece. 

“I’m thirty-three years old, Eren. I’ve been doing this professionally for fifteen years. You don’t have to go easy on me the same way you do with those kids you’ve worked with.” 

It was frustrating, maddening even. Eren complained about Levi to Armin almost every chance he got. He found himself often counting down the minutes until their sessions ended and he could be left in peace, always covered in sweat and more exhausted than he’d ever thought he could be. 

The icing on the cake, however, was when a week into working together Levi had the nerve to call him at four in the morning. Eren rolled over and groaned, picking up his phone and glaring when he saw the name that flashed across the screen. He pressed the decline button and rolled back over only to be interrupted by the shrill sound of his ringtone once more. 

“What the fuck, Levi. It’s the middle of the night!”

“The part in the choreography where you have me do a somersault in the air; I think it should be switched to the two minutes thirty-five-second mark.” 

Eren ran his hand over his face and grunted in displeasure, “Levi. It’s four in the fucking morning. I will be useless today if I don’t get sleep and so will you. Go back to bed, we can talk about this when we meet up in a few hours.” 

He hung up and turned his phone to silent in case the dancer got the bright idea to try calling back once more. Fuck, this was ridiculous. It took him hours to fall back to sleep and the next day he was sure to berate Levi every chance he got, pushing the dancer far harder than he ever had before. 

They’d had a long talk about boundaries and how it didn’t matter if Levi got away with this sort of behavior in the past, if he wanted to continue working with Eren he would have to stop. After all, Eren had been smart enough to not cash his check yet in the likely outcome that he would decide to quit working with the older man. Best to think ahead when it came to these sorts of situations. 

He’d thought they’d come to a common ground after that, the choreography progressing exponentially. That was until, a week later, he received yet another late-night phone call. This time it was at a more reasonable hour... if you could call one in the morning reasonable. 

“Levi,” Eren groaned as he blinked sleepily, “I thought we talked about this.” 

“I know but I honestly don’t think the portion of the choreography between minutes one and two is going to work. We need to redo the entire thing, Eren. We need t-”

“Levi-” Eren cut him off as he sat up, not missing the hint of panic lacing the man’s voice, - “in the morning we can discuss this. We still have plenty of time, it will be okay. You need to stop worrying about these details in the middle of the night. I can’t, in good conscience, continue working with you if I know you’re not properly taking care of yourself. Go to sleep, Levi.” 

“You can’t quit on me now. No one else will do. You don’t understand. It’s driving me insane I have to fix this right now.” Levi was practically babbling by this point and Eren swore he could hear the man pulling the hair out of his head. 

“Okay, okay. I’m not going to quit. Where do you live, Levi? I’ll come over and we can work on it.” 

Eren had no idea what he was doing, going to a client’s house in the middle of the night. All he did know was that Levi didn’t sound well and he couldn’t allow someone to suffer on their own, no matter how much he disliked them or how much it went against all the rules he’d set for himself.

After Levi gave him his address, he put on a pair of loose gray sweatpants and a white t-shirt that would be comfortable to dance in and rushed out to his car, the cool air enough to wake him up the rest of the way. He relished in the quick and easy drive through the empty streets, the lights shining on the dew that twinkled on the road and grass. Luckily, the older man didn’t live too far from him, taking only twenty minutes to arrive at the destination he’d input into his GPS. 

Levi’s house was gorgeous, of medium size with a dark blue exterior accented in white around the door, windows, scaffolding, and pillars that held up a smaller roof that covered a cement porch. The bottom portion of the house, about a third of the way up, was made of dark gray stones stacked in a pattern with occasional lighter ones peeking through. 

His yard was lush green and neatly trimmed, a small garden with shrubbery and what appeared to be rose bushes out of bloom sprouting from the soil next to the porch, and a stone pathway led towards the long oak wooden door where Levi stood, the orange glow from the porchlight illuminating his tired face. 

He was dressed differently than usual, a pair of black Adidas track pants and a white tank top. Eren was astounded when he noticed that Levi’s arms and chest were covered in intricate tattoos, the black and gray ink covering every inch of skin. He couldn’t make out what each design was from his current distance, however, he could tell that whoever did them was extremely talented. It looked as though he had actual paintings etched into his skin. 

“Thank you for coming out,” Levi said, rubbing his left thumb over his right palm aggressively, “I know it’s late and you don’t like doing house calls.” 

Eren walked up to the porch, shaking his head as he replied kindly, “It’s no problem. I understand that this is important to you. We’ll just push tomorrow…well technically today’s session to a later time.”

They’d need to have another discussion about boundaries as well, however, in Levi’s current agitated state Eren figured it would be best to push that to a later date. He followed Levi inside of his home, sighing in relief once the warm air brushed against his cool skin. In his haste to leave his house, he’d forgotten to grab a sweatshirt and he found himself wondering how long Levi stood outside waiting for him with nothing but a tank top covering his upper body. He hoped it wasn’t too long. 

There was a part of him that wanted to reiterate his earlier statement about the importance of taking care of oneself, to suggest Levi find himself an Armin, but the dancer's voice pulled him away from those thoughts. 

“I like to practice my routines in the sunroom, especially at night when I can look up and see millions of stars above me. It sometimes feels as though I’m dancing in outer space, just me all alone in the infinite cosmos. I know it sounds odd but there is a sort of comfort to it.” 

Eren hummed in reply, not sure what to say in return, his eyes scanning the room upon entering it. There were no walls, only windows in their place, and instead of string lights being hung from the ceiling they were strewn across the edges of the floor. He guessed this was done so they wouldn’t interfere with the view of the stars that stretched out in the sky above them, littering the blackness with beacons of light. 

Levi pointed to a particular spot in the sky, “that’s the constellation Cygnus, my favorite. The name is derived from the Latinized Greek word for swan.” 

“A white swan?” 

Levi turned to look at Eren, raising a brow questioningly, “they don’t specify but I would assume so. Black swans are rare, mainly only found in the southeast and southwest regions of Australia. Why do you ask?”

Eren blinked, a memory forming in the back of his brain of the words “black wings” being screamed in fear repeatedly. He shook his head, willing the images and sounds away as he sat in the middle of the room and took a few deep breaths. 

“No particular reason. You’re interested in astronomy?” 

Levi moved to sit next to Eren and nodded, “I am. I always say if I wasn’t a dancer, I’d be a Research Astrophysicist. I find it fascinating, though, I’d never want to travel to space. Although it’s comforting to imagine the solitude of the cosmos down here with my feet flat on the ground, to be out there? There are too many uncertain factors in play. I’d rather observe from afar.”

Eren nodded in understanding. He’d always found space to be an interesting topic of discussion himself, mainly because his best friend was curious about all things science-related and constantly shared the latest discoveries with Eren any chance he got. However, he’d watched enough movies about people being stuck out in space to know it wasn’t a scenario he’d ever wish to put himself in danger of experiencing. 

It was odd, talking in this way with Levi. He’d never been one who purely talked business with his clients, having the mindset that the better he got to know them the more he could get a feel for what they desired to express through dance. However, for some reason, he’d expected it to be different with Levi. Aside from what he’d told Eren about his mom and his vague past on their first day of working together, he hadn’t tried to be particularly open with him…. well…talking about one’s bowel movements was personal. Still, it wasn’t the same as _this._

His eyes trailed back to Levi’s arms, taking in the designs up close. His right sleeve was space-themed and filled with different planets, constellations, and asteroids. Each object was seamlessly woven into the others on his arm creating a stunning finished product. The left arm was themed after ancient Greek gods and goddesses, Eren’s attention immediately focused on Medusa with a man’s head in her hand and shifted to Artemis with the hunt behind her. 

“Your tattoos…I have watched countless videos of you dancing and I never knew you had any.” He said softly, utterly captivated by the stories being told upon the dancer’s skin. 

“I’ve never danced wearing anything that would reveal them, that’s why. My entire chest and back are covered as well. There is a stereotype that people who get tattoos, especially so many, in such visible places do it because they want them to be seen. They enjoy the attention. For me, that’s very far from the truth. I don’t want to get into the details right now, but know that they are personal to me. A part of myself.” 

Eren wanted to ask for clarification, however, he knew that was Levi’s way of nicely ending the conversation. They hadn’t known one another long enough to examine anything beneath the surface level. Boundaries had already been crossed on both sides and, for this to work between them, caution needed to remain in place. 

“Alright, show me what you’re having an issue with and let’s see if we can get it to a place where you’re happy with it.” 

Levi nodded and skipped to the portion of the song he’d called Eren in a panic about. The choreographer watched as Levi danced in tune with the music, noticing that although the older man hit each move flawlessly, he clearly wasn’t _feeling_ the movement. It was impressive but it didn’t make Eren’s heart clench, didn’t cause his breath to be stolen from his body, didn’t make him undergo the inner turmoil that the song was conveying. 

He pursed his lips and closed his eyes, trying to reimagine the scene and how he’d felt when those notes had first crawled into his ears and down to his soul. He shouldn’t be struggling this much, had never experienced creating choreography for a song before that felt so…so _wrong._ It was as though something was holding him back, barring him from understanding the meaning behind the music. 

Luckily, Levi had a few ideas of his own that he walked Eren through. The choreographer watched, making modifications where he felt they were needed and adding moves to make it more cohesive to the rest of the choreography he’d come up with. They worked for hours on end, Eren so lost in the movements and music that he didn’t notice he had to piss until his bladder was about to explode. 

“Could I use the bathroom quick?” He asked breathlessly as he wiped the sweat from his brow. 

“Yeah, no problem. If you go back inside and walk towards the kitchen, there is a hallway to your left. First door on the right.” 

Eren tilted his head in thanks before following Levi’s directions, sighing in contentment as he relieved himself. Once he washed his hands thoroughly, he walked back out to the kitchen and nearly had a heart attack when he almost ran into a shadowed figure. 

“Shit! Oh, I mean. Uh. I’m sorry.” He spoke quickly as he sidestepped what he could now tell was a small woman, long black hair flowing past her shoulders and a kind face that was so akin to Levi’s that she could easily be mistaken for his sister. 

“You must be Mrs. Ackerman. I wasn’t aware you lived in the same house together. Did we wake you up?” 

The woman smiled up at him and shook her head, “Please, call me Kuchel. And don’t worry dear, I was already awake. You must be Eren Yeager. Levi has told me so much about you, he was ecstatic when you agreed to work with him. He’s been talking about wanting to collaborate with you for years.” 

Eren blinked, surprised by Kuchel’s admission. Part of him felt bad now for rejecting the older man so many times. He ran a hand over the back of his neck, a nervous habit, and grimaced when he felt the sweat that accumulated there coat his palm. 

“I was a bit surprised that he wanted to work with me, to be honest. In the past, he’s worked with a lot of choreographers that I admire.” 

Kuchel turned to look out towards the sunroom, a look of pure adoration on her face while she watched Levi practicing from afar. 

“Levi is often misunderstood, but he is a good man. A mother couldn’t possibly ask for a better son. He is far too hard on himself for mistakes he’s made in the past and my only wish is that one day he will forgive himself, for I have never held anything against him. If you’re here at this hour, it must mean that you understand on some level what it is that he goes through.” 

“He suffers from anxiety, doesn’t he?” Eren asked, already knowing the answer but needing that confirmation from the one person who knew the dancer better than anyone. 

Kuchel’s gaze shifted back to Eren, eyes so like Levi’s that it was striking. “Yes. It developed when he was quite young. Some days are worse than others, the dancing has always helped. He doesn’t take medication for it, not because he doesn’t believe in it, but because it is a personal decision. He is a grown man and I trust him to do what is right for himself. I just wish that he was more open about it as his behavior has, at times, given him a sour image.” 

Eren looked away from Kuchel, eyes drawn to the glowing numbers on the stove. **4:35**. He hadn’t realized it had gotten so late; he’d been here for nearly three hours. He should tell Levi that he better get going. If he wanted to wake at a reasonable hour, he couldn’t push himself to stay awake much longer. 

“You’re different from the others.” Kuchel’s soft voice tugged him away from his musings and he turned towards her in confusion. 

“Different?” 

She smiled once more, this time fuller than the first time she’d looked at him and her eyes lit up in a way that made Eren’s heartache. To see this beautiful woman before him, full of so much kindness and love, knowing that her days were withering away filled him with emotions he hadn't felt in years.

“I understand now what my son sees in you. I know it’s a lot to ask, however, when the time comes don’t push him away. You’re confused now, probably think that because I am sick it’s causing me to talk nonsense. But you’ll know what I mean when it happens. You should go home now, dear. He’ll be alright.” 

Kuchel gave his left arm a gentle squeeze before she turned and walked back down the hallway, disappearing into the blackness as though she were never there at all. 

When he went back out to the sunroom and told Levi that he was going to go home and get some sleep, the older man looked at him knowingly. 

“You met my mom, didn’t you?” 

Eren had been bent over adjusting his shoelaces when the question was asked, and his head snapped up in surprise. 

“How did you know?” 

“You’re sad, I can feel it. What did she say to you?” 

Eren thought back to his conversation with Kuchel, her confirmation of Levi’s anxiety disorder and those strange words before she went back to her room. 

“Not much, just that she was happy we were working together.” 

Levi didn’t press for any more information as they said their goodbyes, but he could tell from the look on the dancer’s face that he knew Eren was lying. 

That night, he dreamt of black swans soaring through the stars. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all of your wonderful feedback so far. Sharing this has been difficult for me as it deals with themes I'm often uncomfortable speaking about. It means the world to me when I know I'm doing a good job in telling a story. I have a feeling I'm going to end up breaking a few hearts with this one, so please forgive me. This chapter is a lot, but I hope it's a good one.

That talk about boundaries never came. As the days blurred together, Eren found himself at Levi’s house practicing late hours into the night more often than not. He had gotten in the habit of no longer setting a solid time for them to meet up in the studio, knowing that it was inevitable his phone would ring with a panicked Levi on the other line and he’d have to shift his schedule around to accommodate the new hours. It had become easier to leave things up in the air and, although Eren was a stickler for a structured life, Levi was beginning to show him that being spontaneous wasn’t so bad.

The choreography seemed to progress more in the little sunroom with the stars shining above them rather than in his brightly lit studio. Something about the space was magical, cutting off the world around them and allowing for their minds to expand and visualize the song as though they were watching it unfold in front of them. Eren was becoming used to Levi’s many quirks, whether it was the random facts he spouted off or the way he aggressively dug thumbs into his palms when he was feeling overwhelmed. The choreographer wasn’t certain if the older man even knew of this habit of his, however, he was thankful for it as it provided him the sign that indicated it was necessary for a break.

Eren knew he was spending far too much time with Levi, that he needed to find an excuse to limit their interactions outside of his workspace, but there was another more pressing problem that was beginning to form. He found himself constantly looking forward to the lovely company of Kuchel. She’d taken quite a liking to Eren, often sitting with him and Levi for cups of hot tea once they had finished practicing.

Kuchel was extraordinary and the more he spent time around her the more he understood what Levi intended to show in his performance. She reminded Eren of the full moon, containing a brightness that illuminated from her and was easy to look at for hours on end, her presence providing him with a comfortable aura that he hadn’t known he’d been craving for years. Eren struggled daily to grasp the fact that she was dying. Not once did the woman ever complain of pain or discomfort, though she always seemed tired and her movements were slow, it never stopped her from laughing and smiling along with the two younger men.

He’d thought he was the only one grappling with the inevitability of her death until tonight, hand raised to knock on Levi’s front door and stilling when he heard the sound of raised voices coming from inside.

“Levi, you don’t need to constantly wait out in the cold for Eren. The other night you stood out there wearing nothing but a t-shirt and leggings for nearly half an hour. Standing out there won’t make him show up any sooner. He’ll knock once he arrives. You’re going to get sick if you continue neglecting yourself.”

“Maman, I’m fine. Worry about yourself and stop worrying about me all the time. I’m a grown man and I don’t need you babying me anymore.”

Eren grimaced, hating that he was intruding on something he shouldn’t be hearing. He wanted to make his presence known, wanted to interrupt them so they would stop, knowing that arguments such as this often led to angry tongues full of harsh words.

“Don’t talk with me in that tone of voice young man. You’re only pissed off because I refused treatment again.”

“Yes! I am! Is that so wrong? You won’t even give it a try. Just because the chances aren’t high doesn’t mean that you’re a lost cause. Why won’t you let me help you? Are you that intent on leaving me?”

Eren’s eyes widened at Levi’s words, his heart clenching inside his chest at the desperation that had leaked into the older man’s voice. He sounded as though he was about to cry, the "me" at the end of his last sentence breaking, Levi hardly able to convey the emotional turmoil he was feeling inside.

He tried to think back, to remember if any moments stood out and alluded to the pain the dancer had been expertly hiding for the past month. And then, it hit him. How often Levi called him in the middle of the night with some excuse or the other. He didn’t call Eren because there were glaring issues with their work, he reached out because he was lonely and afraid. Refusing to run to his mother, not wanting to constantly be reminded that he was going to lose the one person who meant the most to him.

“Levi, mon petit chou. Tu sais que je t’aime plus que tout.” 

Eren’s brow furrowed at the switch in languages. It wasn’t often that Levi and Kuchel spoke in French, having grown accustomed to English after being away from their home country for so long. He bit his lip, a part of him wishing he could understand what was being said, the other part feeling guilty that he hadn’t moved from his spot, the curiosity keeping him in place.

“Maman, s’il te plait. Je ne veux pas te dire adieu.” 

Eren wasn’t sure what else passed between them that made Levi break, for he didn’t hear any other spoken words, though it must have been intense for the next thing he knew the door was being flung open with a flustered looking Levi behind it. He blanched, having been caught in the act of eavesdropping, and opened his mouth to apologize before being interrupted by Kuchel.

“Eren dear, hurry up and come inside. It’s far too cold and you boys never dress warm enough. Come, I’ll make us some tea. I think you should skip practice for tonight and relax instead. I have something I’ve been meaning to ask you anyway.”

Levi was tense beside Eren as he stepped inside and allowed him to pass through the door, shutting it rather roughly behind him. The younger man felt horrible, there was no denying he had overheard a private conversation, and Levi’s body language was more than enough to display the irritation the older man was feeling. Although they’d had plenty of arguments, it always involved work and never bordered anything close to the seriousness that he could feel wafting through the air.

He sat next to Levi at the kitchen table in silence as Kuchel hummed a soft tune, the familiar sound of tea brewing helping to calm his nerves. Golden eyes shifted downwards, taking in the pale hands shaking slightly in the dancer’s lap. Eren yearned to reach over and clasp those hands in his, to apologize, to tell Levi that everything was going to be okay. He was aware, however, that such words would be nothing but a falsehood.

It didn’t take Kuchel long to prepare the tea and once she placed it in front of him, Eren smiled in thanks as he wrapped his cold fingers around the warm mug. The steam rose through the air slowly, distorting the woman’s image, giving her the appearance of an apparition. He swallowed thickly and pushed the mug to the side, look away when her gaze turned questioning.

“Not in the mood for tea tonight?”

“It’s not that,” Eren paused, glancing over at Levi as he lifted his mug by the rim to take a sip, “I’m just waiting for it to cool off is all. Some of us are a bit more sensitive to the heat.”

Levi lifted a brow as he swallowed down a few mouthfuls of the liquid in response, still refusing to speak.

“Don’t mind him, it’s been a long night. Eren,” Kuchel paused, waiting for Eren to turn his attention back to her before continuing, “Levi tells me you live all alone.”

Eren cleared his throat, “Uh, yes. I do. It’s not so bad, though. I spend a lot of time at the studio and sometimes I visit my friends.”

Kuchel took a sip of her tea and frowned, shaking her head slightly. “That just won’t do. It’s good to have a home-cooked meal with others occasionally. I want you to come over tomorrow night for dinner. You’re far too thin, the both of you. Let me give you a proper meal.”

“Maman, I’ve told you to let me do the coo-”

Kuchel waved her hand in the air, “Nonsense. I am not dead yet and cooking isn’t going to be my downfall. Tomorrow at six. Please, Eren? It would mean a lot to me if you would join us. It’s been a while since I’ve had the chance to cook for one of Levi’s friends.”

_Friends._ Were they friends? Eren couldn’t deny the fact that he spent more time with Levi than he did with anyone else in his life currently, however, as Levi was paying him it was his duty to do everything in his power to create a masterpiece. This required them to be around one another a lot. Sure, he’d never made house calls before, but Levi was a special case. None of his other dancers had demanded this level of attention from him.

“Thank you, Kuchel. I’d love to come for dinner tomorrow.”

Kuchel positively beamed at him in response, her face looking vibrant and ten years younger. Eren didn’t think it was possible to bring someone this much happiness simply from agreeing to eat dinner with them, but here Kuchel was proving him wrong.

“Fantastique! Je suis très heureuse! Ah, pardon. I got a little carried aware. I am going to sleep now; I need to rest as I have much to prepare for tomorrow. Have a good night my dears.”

She stood up and washed her mug before returning to the table to give Levi a kiss to the temple and a gentle squeeze to his shoulder. The affection caused the tenseness in Levi’s body to immediately fade, his facial expression turning soft as he whispered something in her ear that made her smile. 

When Kuchel passed by Eren, she softly patted his head, a display of endearment she’d begun using on him about a week ago. He couldn’t help the grin that plastered itself on his mouth in response, face turned down to hide it as he stared into the empty bottom of his mug. Motherly affection was something he had gone without for so long that he still wasn’t quite sure how to feel about it. 

Ten minutes later he was standing outside, leaning against the driver’s side of the door while Levi stood in front of him, hands nervously twitching at his sides. 

“How much of that did you hear?” 

Eren sighed, “Enough. You shouldn’t push her so much, Levi. She’s made her decision. The time you have left with her should be full of happy memories, not arguments.” 

Levi’s jaw tensed and his eyes flashed as he spoke tersely, “Don’t judge me, Eren Yeager. If your mother were in the same situation, wouldn’t you do whatever it took to save her?” 

“I’m sorry Levi, I spoke out of turn. I’ll see you tomorrow night,” Eren replied back softly before opening his car door and sliding inside, leaning his head against the seat as he huffed in frustration. 

He reached out to pull the door closed but stopped when Levi called out to him. 

“Wait, let me come pick you up tomorrow. You’re always driving back and forth to my place and it makes me feel bad.” 

Eren wanted to disagree but something about the look on Levi’s face, a shadow of vulnerability, had him biting the inside of his cheek hard as he nodded in agreement. He couldn’t find the words for what he was experiencing on the inside at that moment when he saw one of Levi’s rare smiles cross his mouth, his entire being lighting up, so much like his mother that it physically hurt. 

“Goodnight Levi,” Eren barely managed to choke out, “I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

••

Eren was nervous about tonight’s dinner and he couldn’t place why. It wasn’t like he’d never gone over to someone’s house for a meal before, hell if he could accept an award in front of thousands of people he could eat with Levi and his mother. He was being so ridiculous that he changed his outfit no less than ten times, finally deciding on a pair of dark wash skinny jeans and black dress shoes with a long sleeve dark green button-up t-shirt. His hair was pulled up in a bun, a few strands falling out of place that he didn’t bother attempting to tame. He’d learned long ago that his hair would forever be unruly and there wasn’t much that could be done about it. 

When Levi arrived, he told Eren that there was no need to dress up, causing the younger man to feel a fool, but soon followed that comment with a compliment that left him elated. Why he required the dancer’s approval, he didn’t know. Honestly, the only person he was truly worried about impressing tonight was Kuchel. She’d been nothing but loving and kind to him since the moment they met, and her enthusiasm for Levi and Eren’s shared passion as well as her excitement for tonight had him wanting nothing more than to bring her the happiness she so readily shared with the rest of the world. She deserved nothing less than wonderful memories for the remainder of her days. 

Entering Levi’s home was akin to entering heaven, his nose immediately assaulted by the most mouthwatering of smells. Kuchel greeted him with a hug, ushering both him and Levi to sit down, giving the older man a stern look when he tried to argue and attempted to help her with setting the table. 

She looked gorgeous; her frail body covered in a pale blue dress that flowed around her like waves as she tutted about. He’d never seen her in anything more than dim lighting at night, and now that he had a better view, he noticed that her long midnight black hair was peppered with silver, the strands glinting in the light. Although her stormy eyes still shined brightly, there was a tiredness that was permanently etched onto her face, the bags under her eyes indicating many nights of restlessness. 

Despite this, Kuchel seemed livelier than ever, setting up the table in record time before pouring each of them a glass of red wine. 

“It’s Cabernet Sauvignon imported from the Bordeaux region of France. Levi’s favorite.” Kuchel smiled at Levi happily once she finished speaking, taking in the look of surprise on his face. 

“Maman, when did you get this?” 

“Oh, about a week or two ago. Now, let’s dig in. I made Boeuf Bourguignon for the main course, afterward, we’ll have a baguette with an assortment of cheese, and for dessert, we’re going to have Crème Caramel.” 

Eren didn’t think he’d ever seen Levi display so much emotion before, his eyes positively lit up as Kuchel listed off all of the food she had prepared for tonight. Everything sounded extremely French and he was full of anticipation at trying new things. As soon as the first spoonful of soup hit his mouth, he knew he’d never fall in love with another woman. Kuchel had effortlessly stolen his heart and this was the cherry on top, sending him completely head over heels. 

“Kuchel, you’ve got to teach me how to cook. This is delicious!” 

They all laughed in response, the warmth that she had created palpable throughout the entire room. The night was spent beautifully, full of smiles and cheer... until the inevitable happened. 

“Eren, dear. How long have you been dancing?” 

Eren’s laughter faded, his heart beginning to hammer uncomfortably in his chest as he thought of where this conversation might lead.

“I think I started when I was around three or four. I discovered dance at quite a young age and quickly fell in love with it. My parents were completely on board, did everything they could to get me lessons with the best instructors in the area.”

He could feel Levi’s eyes boring into him as he spoke, this was the most Eren had mentioned of his past since they’d met, and there was an obvious reluctance simmering underneath each word.

“That’s so lovely of them. Did they go to a lot of your performances?”

“They did-”, Eren paused, swirling the wine around in his glass and staring as the red liquid sloshed about, “my father was an amazing man. I couldn’t have asked for a better support system.”

Kuchel smiled, “How sweet. I was looking on YouTube the other day out of curiosity and I couldn’t find any videos of you performing. Do you not ever dance with any of your clients?”

Eren’s fingers tightened around the glass and he swallowed audibly, the sound echoing so loud in his head that he felt as though it were about to explode. He could feel sweat accumulating, a thin bead trailing down his temple.

“Trying to break our wine glass, Eren?” Levi asked, voice filled with forced humor that caused Eren’s grip to immediately loosen.

“Hm? No, sorry. Um, the last time I did a performance in front of people was when I was ten. I prefer being behind the scenes, not a fan of having so many eyes on me.”

“What a shame. Based on the choreography you’ve put together for others, I have a feeling you’d be stunning up there.”

Eren gave her a tight-lipped smile and after that the night seemed to progress a bit more awkwardly, his discomfort evident in every word he spoke. No longer did laughter come easy to him instead, it was forced, and he chose to keep quiet as often as he possibly could, allowing Levi and Kuchel to lead the conversation.

He found himself relieved when it was time to leave, wanting nothing more than to go home and crawl into his bed where he could sleep and not have to think about his past. As he said his goodbyes, he suddenly remembered that he didn’t drive and would be forced into yet more awkward silence when Levi drove him home.

“I can call an Uber to come and get me, it’s not a big deal. You’ve been drinking, I wouldn’t want to make you drive.”

“Eren, I had one fucking glass of wine. You had four,” Levi paused, raising his brow when he could tell the younger man was about to protest again, “I’ll be fine. Now hurry up.”

Levi could be incredibly stubborn when he wanted and Eren knew that there was no use in trying to argue. He sighed in defeat and followed the man into his car, pulling the door shut and leaning his head against the cool window to calm his nerves. 

The air inside of the car was full of tension as they drove the twenty minutes back to his place, however, it wasn’t an awkward kind of tension. There was something else there, laced underneath, an insistent murmur that was making Eren’s blood thrum in anticipation. His heart was beating fast inside his chest and his stomach fluttered uncontrollably once they were parked in front of his house. What the hell was going on with him? 

“Eren,” Levi began, voice thicker than usual, reminding Eren of honey. 

“Do you want to come inside?” Eren interrupted him, surprising even himself with his request. 

Levi’s eyes darkened and the younger man’s gaze followed his tongue as it swiped across his bottom lip. 

“Do you want me to come inside?” 

He thought back to the past month working alongside Levi, the way the older man constantly found excuses to touch Eren or be touched in return. In those moments, Eren had simply thought the dancer was being meticulous, desiring to understand why each movement was necessary. He realized now, though, that Levi had been obviously flirting with him. And Eren had been doing the same, subconsciously finding any reason he could to give Levi moves that required the use of certain muscles, shamelessly admiring them and thinking that the older man wouldn’t notice.

They’d both been dancing around a mutual attraction this entire time and, while Eren had a firm rule about never sleeping with a client, he couldn’t help but give in to the temptation.

“Yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations: 
> 
> “Maman”- This means mom in French. Levi will call her this when speaking directly to her throughout the story, however, when talking about her to others he will use “mom” or “mother”. 
> 
> “Levi, mon petit chou. Tu sais que je t’aime plus que tout.” – “Levi, my little cabbage (a common term of endearment in France). You know that I love you more than anything.” (rough translation). 
> 
> “Maman, s’il te plait. Je ne veux pas te dire adieu.”- “Mom, please. I do not want to say goodbye.” (The literal translation of adieu is to God. I use it here rather than au revoir because au revoir implies you will see on another again. Adieu is used when you will never see a person again in your life.) 
> 
> “Fantastique! Je suis très heureuse! Ah, pardon.”- “Fantastic! I am so happy! Ah, sorry.” 
> 
> Please bear with me as I haven’t had the chance to use French in well over a year. My fluency levels have sadly decreased as a result. If you are a native speaker, please feel free to reach out and correct me at any time.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So uh there was supposed to be a lot more plot happening in this chapter but I ended up writing nearly 4k words of smut, so I've increased chapter number to make up for that. I would say sorry but I mean, who doesn't enjoy smut?

They’d barely made it through the door when Levi’s lips pressed against his, cool from the winter air and insistent as they made their way down to his jawline. Eren gasped when Levi’s teeth grazed against the flesh there, causing goosebumps to rise all over his body in anticipation. He laced his fingers through midnight black strands, the hair so much softer than he could have imagined, his fingernails brushing over the smooth undercut on their way up, getting a solid grip as he pulled and forced Levi’s lips back onto his.

He’d never felt this desperate for someone in his life, the blood in his veins burning with a need to have the older man pressed up against him, desiring to forget everything but the way that Levi’s tongue felt as it flicked out and slid across his lips. He gasped as the dancer slammed him against the wall and then groaned a second later when Levi’s tongue slid inside his mouth.

He tasted sweet, a lingering flavor of caramel coating his tongue, and one of Eren’s hands moved from his hair down to his neck where he gripped the flesh to hold the man in place as he explored the inside of his mouth. Their tongues flicked playfully against one another and Eren was so busy enjoying himself, especially when Levi’s tongue swirled around his in the most delicious of ways, that he didn’t notice where the older man’s hands had strayed to until cool fingers brushed against his stomach.

He shivered and pulled away for a breath, however, Levi seemed determined to allow him no time to recover. As soon as the older man’s mouth was free, it descended upon his neck where he kissed and sucked at the skin vigorously. Eren closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the wall to give Levi better access, a soft moan filling the air when those lips found his pulse point and bit at the skin roughly.

“Levi,” Eren said shakily, nearly forgetting what he was about to say when he felt the man’s thumb brush over a hard nipple, “no visible marks.”

He could only imagine how Kuchel would react when she saw him next, knowing that Levi had driven Eren home and not come back straight away. She was a smart woman, and would no doubt be aware of what they were up to, but that didn’t mean Eren had to show it off. Plus, lord only knows what Armin would have to say if Eren came into work with a neck full of hickeys. No, best not to endure an infamous Armin lecture.

“Mm, what a shame-” Levi murmured against his neck before pulling the collar of Eren’s shirt down to reveal more skin- “they would have looked lovely there.”

And then, his teeth were grazing Eren’s collarbone and the choreographer was lost in pleasure once more. As Levi sucked what would no doubt be intense purple marks into his skin, Eren reached a hand down to cup the dancer through his pants, satisfaction coursing through his body when he could feel that the older man was already half hard. There was nothing that turned him on more than knowing that someone was so utterly into him that they became aroused this easily.

Levi ground his cock against Eren’s palm as his lips trailed back up to his, tongue delving back into Eren’s mouth with renewed energy. He tilted his head to the side a bit to allow for better access, fingers twisting into those smooth locks as he squeezed Levi roughly through his pants, a smirk crossing his lips when the older man finally made a sound in response.

“Bedroom,” Levi panted against his mouth, “where is it?”

Eren pulled back and looked down at the older man through hooded eyes, noting the slight flush on Levi’s face as well as how plump and swollen his lips appeared. They had barely done anything and the dancer already looked a mess, indicating something that sent a pit to the bottom of Eren’s stomach. He swallowed and grabbed Levi by the hand, turning away and leading him to his bedroom before the man could get a good look at his face. He had no craving for a night full of emotions, he wanted pleasure and nothing more.

Once they entered his room, Eren made a move to remove his shirt but Levi grabbed his arm and stopped him. He raised his brow in question, suddenly feeling unsure of himself. Was it possible that Levi didn’t want the same thing? He’d thought he’d made his intentions clear in the car; however, now he was thinking that maybe the dancer didn’t wish to go any further with him.

“Let me,” Levi said lowly.

_Oh._

Eren swallowed and looked away, a slight blush forming on his cheeks as uncertainty washed over him. This was bordering on an intimacy that he wasn’t wholly ready for and he wasn’t sure how to feel about it. He had expected a rushed night full of lust, not slow and deliberate acts of passion. It made sense, though. When he thought of Levi, he didn’t think half-assed. Everything that the older man did was purposeful, his every movement full of devotion to the craft. He didn’t give just a little bit of himself; he gave _everything_. Eren wasn’t prepared for that, but then, had he ever been prepared for Levi Ackerman?

Levi placed both of his hands on Eren’s chest and moved them down until they reached the hem of his shirt, fingers sliding underneath the material and brushing against warm tan skin as they moved it up inch by inch until he was pulling it over Eren’s head and off of his body. Eren had thought with the height difference that it might make things awkward, however, it was quite the opposite.

Once Eren’s shirt was removed from his body, Levi trailed his fingers over every inch of skin that had been revealed.

“You’re gorgeous, Eren.”

Eren could feel his face heat up in response as he bit his bottom lip and looked away from Levi, unable to hold that intense gaze for much longer.

“I’m being serious. Have you ever seen yourself? Absolutely stunning. I could stare at you all day and never get bored.”

As if to punctuate his words, the older man leaned forward and kissed a trail from his neck down to his navel, pausing to suck a purple bruise into the skin there. Now that Levi was on his knees, he didn’t waste any time in unbuttoning Eren’s pants and slowly sliding them down. The younger man placed a firm hand on Levi’s shoulder as he stepped out of them and then nearly fell to his knees when teeth grazed the inside of his right thigh.

“F-fuck, Levi! You could have warned me.”

Eren glared down at the dancer and nearly all the breath was sucked out of his body at the sight that greeted him. Levi was looking up at him, pupils so wide that he could hardly tell what color his irises were, with a look of absolute adoration on his face. No one had ever looked at Eren that way before and he felt entirely exposed, as though his soul was on display for Levi to see. There was an uncomfortable shiver of fear crawling its way upwards through his spine and it made him want to run away and hide, never to be looked at again.

As if sensing his emotions, Levi stood up and removed his own shirt, finally giving Eren access to seeing every one of the tattoos that decorated his torso. The choreographer’s eyes widened as he took in the exposed flesh, marveling at how the tattoo sleeves converged on his chest to create a cohesive piece. Eren stepped forward and trailed his hands over Levi’s chest, drinking in the designs that were permanently etched onto ebony skin.

The center displayed an intricate temple, a god on one side and a goddess on the other, the depictions so detailed that no space was left empty. As his eyes traveled back up, they stopped at Levi’s chest, right where his heart would be, when Eren spotted something familiar on the skin there.

“Cygnus,” he whispered, tracing the constellation pattern with his fingertip, “what does this mean to you?”

“Mm, I’m afraid tattoo talk doesn’t do much to improve the mood in the bedroom. I’ll tell you later.”

Eren was about to protest, but then Levi was picking him up, causing him to yelp as he was tossed onto the bed. A moment later, Levi appeared above him, pants having been removed in the process. The only thing that now separated them was the thin boxer briefs they wore and now that Eren was able to see what the older man was packing; he felt a renewed sense of urgency course through him.

“Fucking hell, I want you so bad Levi,” he murmured as his eyes scanned the man’s entire body, drinking in every dip and curve. It was a true dancer’s body, full of so much power and poise, the muscles defined to show years of hard work and dedication. Levi was stunning, Eren watched as those muscles twitched when Levi moved, wanting nothing more than to taste every inch of that beautiful body.

Levi's hair had fallen into his face, obscuring his eyes, and Eren reached up to brush it away before pulling the dancer down for another kiss. Levi didn’t keep his mouth there for long, biting at Eren’s lower lip and pulling at it with his teeth before moving his lips to Eren’s earlobe where he began to suck and bite at the skin there. Eren hadn’t ever thought ears could be such a turn on, and yet, here he was writhing beneath the man, his cock now fully hard and straining against the last remaining bit of material on his body.

“Would you just…fuck me already...” he panted out, back arching in pleasure when Levi’s hand slipped inside and he ran his thumb over the head of Eren’s cock in response.

“Beautiful,” Levi whispered darkly in his ear, “so fucking beautiful.”

Eren closed his eyes, feeling overwhelmed at the praises the dancer kept whispering against his skin as his lips moved from his ear down to his boxer briefs where he mouthed at Eren’s cock through the material. He’d been with plenty of other men before, however, none had ever taken the time to get to know Eren’s body in this way. To kiss every inch of skin, to mutter such powerful words that had him feeling vulnerable in a space that he’d never thought he could experience such emotion.

“Look at me, Eren,” Levi said, and something in his voice made Eren listen.

He opened his eyes and looked down, watching intently as Levi slowly pulled down his boxers before lightly brushing his fingers over Eren’s erection. He bit his bottom lip, trying to keep his noises at bay, but when Levi flicked out his tongue and pressed it against his slit his attempt to remain quiet was proven to be futile.

With each press of Levi’s tongue against his cock, Eren couldn’t help but let out soft moans of pleasure. The dancer was doing wicked things, teasing the choreographer by just barely allowing the head of his cock to slide into his mouth before pulling back and running his tongue up and down the shaft, fully coating it in his saliva.

“Stop teasing me Levi,” Eren practically whined when Levi’s tongue pressed against the underside of his cock, finding a sensitive spot that he hadn’t known existed, sending his body into a frenzy.

“Do you want me that bad, Eren?” Levi asked, and his voice sounded equally as wrecked as Eren’s did.

“Yes,” Eren responded, not even bothering to hide the burning ache that he felt deep within.

Levi’s eyes darkened further as he responded, “very well then.”

A second later, Eren felt his cock slide further down the older man’s throat and he cried out in surprise. Levi no longer held back, sucking him off like a fucking lollipop, doing these crazy movements with his tongue as his head bobbed up and down. Eren found purchase on the comforter, fingers curling into the material as he choked down a particularly loud moan as Levi engulfed his entire length into his mouth, the feeling of the head of his cock hitting the back of the dancer’s throat pure ecstasy.

“If you keep this up, I’m going to come,” he barely managed to gasp out, back arching when the older man lightly grazed his teeth over the skin of his cock as he pulled back with a loud pop.

“Lube and condoms?”

“On the drawer to your right, should be easy to find.”

Eren breathed heavily, sitting up and flexing his fingers as he watched Levi retrieve both items he had asked for. That overwhelming sensation was beginning to flood through his veins again, the one where he felt as though this meant far more than he had ever anticipated. The foreboding sense that, somehow, this decision would change him in an unfathomable way. He thought about backing out, knew that Levi wasn’t the type that would force him into anything, but when Levi turned back towards him, crawling over Eren’s body and drinking in every inch of tan skin underneath him, his eyes shining with desire, the choreographer’s apprehension ebbed away.

“Relax,” Levi’s voice had dipped to a sinful octave, smooth and sexy, and it sent a fresh wave of heat through his abdomen. It felt freeing to be desired, to have someone who understood you, receptive to your every desire.

Eren leaned back against the bed and calmed his breathing, flinching only slightly when a cool lube slicked finger began to teasingly circle his entrance. He let out a gasp of Levi’s name when he felt the tip of his finger begin to press inside, the sensation almost forgotten when Levi’s mouth descended upon his cock once more.

The choreographer was so lost in the pleasure that he barely noticed when Levi slipped a second finger inside, his brow only furrowing for a second as he adjusted before he was back to moaning a slew of curses as Levi began to deep throat him. How the older man managed to fuck him so perfectly with his fingers while simultaneously having Eren’s cock shoved down his throat, he didn’t know, all he did know was that if Levi didn’t get inside him soon, he was going to lose it.

As Eren rocked his hips against Levi’s fingers, he reached down and threaded a hand through his hair, pulling on it roughly until the man released his achingly hard member reluctantly.

“Levi, I need you now.”

He heard Levi chuckle before a soft “impatient” was muttered against his thigh, Levi’s warm breath tickling the skin and causing Eren to shiver slightly. The choreographer flung an arm over his face, hiding it from view, his chest heaving and body flush with need. What Levi had been doing felt fantastic, however, he wanted to come from the feeling of the older man’s cock deep inside him.

Levi withdrew his fingers and Eren listened as he opened a condom, the sound of the aluminum crinkling making his toes curl in excitement. He’d be lying if he said he hadn’t imagined this moment for years, all those times that he’d watched Levi dance across the stage, body graceful and full of strength and poise, the crowd captivated by the stories the dancer was able to tell with the smallest of movements.

There was no doubt that the physical attraction was there, the way that Eren’s body responded to Levi, especially as he lined himself up, the feel of the head of his cock prodding Eren’s hole causing his entire body to light up, was enough to prove that much. However, there was something deeper forming. A quiet affection that had grown over the past weeks and rooted itself deep within the choreographer’s heart.

He wouldn’t have gone over to anyone else’s house to teach them, wouldn’t have joined them for dinner, and most certainly wouldn’t have ever slept with them. But Levi, he was different. There was a silent understanding between the two, hidden secrets and emotions that drew them towards one another like moths to a flame. And that was the feeling that Eren found himself pushing to the side, deciding to ignore that tenderness and replace it with lust, head pressing into the pillow underneath as Levi’s cock slid into him inch by delicious inch.

The stretch burnt a bit more than it might have had Eren allowed Levi to prep him more, but he couldn’t find it in himself to give a fuck. He focused on how amazingly full he felt once Levi was seated completely, his breaths coming out in small pants as he brushed a few sweaty strands of hair out of his face.

Levi gave Eren a few moments to adjust before hiking his right leg over one shoulder, the movement causing Eren to suck in a sharp breath.

“Fuck, Eren. You look so god damn perfect. Come here.”

Eren lifted his head to meet Levi’s in a passionate kiss, a smirk forming on his mouth when he felt Levi’s fingers pull at his hairband to release his locks from the messy bun.

“Something to grab onto later,” Levi murmured against his lips.

And then Eren was pushed onto the mattress, Levi’s hand on his chest holding him in place, the other gripping his thigh. The look on Levi’s face was wicked, one that told Eren he was about to be fucked so good he would barely be able to walk afterward.

Eren held that gaze, taking the challenge head-on. This is what he had brought Levi inside for, this exact moment, and when the older man finally… _finally_ started to move...

“Holy fuck!” Eren cried out, head slamming back as Levi pulled back and slammed his cock into him without mercy. The older man set up a bruising pace, fingers digging into Eren’s thigh as his hips thrust forward, cock pounding deep inside of that tight heat.

Eren used one hand to grip the headboard and the other to grip Levi’s bicep, knuckles turning white as his hold tightened with each thrust. He could feel Levi’s gaze on him, burning through him, lighting up his soul in a way that had every cell in his body thrumming with energy.

He was exposed, it reminded him of what it felt like to be on stage, a million eyes boring into you, able to detect every emotion that was hiding deep within your heart. Eren placed his hands on Levi’s chest and pushed him back, causing the older man to look at him quizzically. 

Without saying a word, Eren positioned himself so that he was now on his hands and knees. He cheekily wiggled his ass in the air as he turned to look back at Levi, raising a brow in amusement.

“A better position for you to hold onto something,” his voice was already destroyed, deep and husky and full of pure lust as he spoke.

Levi chuckled, the sound causing an unwanted surge of endearment to course through him. Eren shook his head, brushing those thoughts away, choosing to instead concentrate on how Levi’s fingers laced through his hair, gripping the strands tightly as his cock slid back inside of Eren’s twitching hole.

As Levi continued the bruising pace that he’d set for them earlier, he pulled Eren’s hair so hard that the choreographer was forced to look up at the ceiling, eyes pooling with tears from both pleasure and pain. His thighs and arms were shaking with the effort to keep himself upright, not because he lacked the strength, but because he was experiencing so much ecstasy that it was hard to not allow his limbs to turn to mush.

Levi’s other arm circled around his waist and the man leaned forward, pressing kisses along Eren’s spine as he whispered dirty words against the skin.

“Do you like the feeling of my cock deep inside of you, Eren? Fuck, you’re so tight, my cock feels perfect inside of you. I could watch myself slide in and out of that delicious hole for hours, you should see yourself Eren. Taking me so well. Such a good boy.”

The dirty talk was doing things to Eren that he never thought possible, his cock positively weeping with the need to come, the liquid dripping down onto the sheets and creating a mess. He groaned lowly, eyes tightening and toes curling in pleasure when Levi shifted his hips and managed to hit his prostate perfectly.

“F-fuck! Shit! Right there, Levi! Please, oh god, don’t stop!”

Levi increased his pace, his grip on Eren’s hair tightening as he moved his other hand down to wrap it around Eren’s cock. All it took was a few quick pumps and the choreographer’s eyes turned to the back of his head as he came hard, white splattering on his black comforter, his entire body shaking as his release washed over him.

The older man continued his thrusts for a few more minutes, making Eren whimper as he repeatedly pounded into his abused prostate before his hips lost rhythm and began to spasm. Levi bit into Eren’s shoulder as he came, hips stilling moments later while they both remained in their current positions as they attempted to regain their breath.

Levi pulled out slowly and Eren’s body shivered at the loss. He collapsed onto the bed as soon as Levi was all the way out, grimacing when he felt his come stick to his stomach. He felt Levi fall onto the bed next to him and they both remained quiet for some time before Eren decided he was ready to speak again.

“Would you like some tea?” he asked, voice hoarse from all the yelling he’d done.

Levi turned over on his side to look at Eren, lazily stroking his fingers up and down the brunet’s back.

“Oh, I’m not even close to being done with you yet.”

Eren laughed as Levi pulled his body on top of his, having no qualms with a second round.

Or a third.

Or a fourth.

•••

The next morning Eren awoke alone in his bed, the smell of eggs and turkey bacon wafting through the air and prompting him to get up and get himself clean and around for the day. His entire body was sore, though, he couldn’t say that he minded a whole lot. He hadn’t enjoyed being intimate with someone that much in a long time.

After he finished washing up, he walked into his kitchen where he found Levi sipping a cup of tea as he cooked them both breakfast. Eren took a seat on one of his barstools at the kitchen counter and smiled as he watched the older man work noting how, like everything else he did, every movement was deliberate and precise.

“It smells delicious,” he finally spoke after a few moments of silence.

Levi turned towards him and Eren once again caught sight of the constellation etched over his heart, his eyes immediately drawn towards it over the rest of his tattoos as he remembered the conversation that they’d had during the first night in his sunroom.

“I figured you’d have an appetite after last night. I wasn’t sure if you’d be able to get up today.”

Eren threw his head back and laughed, the sound filtering through the morning air, his entire body shaking with amusement.

“You’re good, but not _that_ good. By the way, are you going to tell me about that tattoo now?” he asked, pointing towards Cygnus.

Levi sighed and ran a hand through his hair, turning back towards the stove as he answered, “I will but it’s a long story. Let me finish this first.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that we've had the sex, let's have some emotions!

“My mom got pregnant with me when she was fifteen,” Levi began, handing the dirty dishes over to Eren so he could place them into the sink full of soapy water. The older man had initially insisted on cleaning up, however, as he had been the one to cook the food Eren surmised it was only fair he was the one to wash them.

He kept his back turned to Levi, hand dipping into that warm water, figuring that there was a reason the man had begun his story when Eren was no longer looking directly at him. Their breakfast had been... _tense._ Although a part of him felt more at ease now that they had fucked, the other part felt much more vulnerable. He hadn’t expected this story to be something that would cross the boundaries they had both so carefully set up between themselves the past few months, not until Levi’s voice rang out in a tone full of melancholic notes, and he could feel his body enter a state of defensiveness at the mere suggestion of sharing something so personal. 

“As you know, we’re not originally from the United States. My mother was born in the underbelly of Paris, a disgusting place full of the most despicable people you could ever dream of. She had always told me that never once did she ever imagine getting rid of me. The man that got her pregnant told her to get an abortion and, when she wouldn’t listen, he left her. Her parents tried to tell her the same thing, that it was better to dispose of the child inside of her rather than throw her life away. 

My mother never saw it in the lense others were looking through, though. Her parents had always been terrible to her, abusive, and it was the same way with my father. I was the one being that she knew would love her unconditionally. I was a chance for her to become something more, the start of a new life. So, she refused their demand, and they kicked her out.” 

Eren hunched over the sink, scrubbing the sponge vigorously against the ceramic plate that he held tightly within his grip. So tight, that just the slightest bit more of added pressure would force it to crack. His jaw twitched as he imagined that sort of love, the bond between a mother and her son, so strong that she would defy all of those around her to save a life that had yet to even begin. A fearless love, one that a part of him yearned for, despite what he had spent the past fourteen years telling himself. 

“She moved in with my uncle Kenny, who wasn’t much better than her parents, but he at least let her be as long as she paid her share of the bills. While pregnant with me, my mother worked at a local bakery. She loved the job and everyone there loved her just as much. However, after I was born, the money wasn’t enough. So, she did the only thing she could think of. My mother began to work as a prostitute. The amount of money she made working as a baker in an entire month, she could now easily make in one night. 

I was left at home with Kenny those first few years until one terrible night when a few men showed up to get some money Kenny owed them for drugs. Despite how young I was at the time, a mere four years old, I can still remember it. The shouting, the gunshots, the blood. She decided enough was enough. We moved out of Kenny’s place and into our own and that’s when my mom started bringing the men home with her. 

One day, I was sitting in my room watching tv while a man was over, and that’s when I discovered dance. I was mesmerized by what I saw on that screen to the point where I forgot what was happening in the room next to mine. That’s all it took for the obsession to take hold; it became my first form of a coping mechanism.”

Levi paused and sighed, the sound of the chair creaking underneath his weight as he sat down, his story weighing on him so much that he couldn’t find the strength to stand anymore. Eren didn’t realize until Levi stopped speaking that he’d been rubbing the same plate for nearly ten minutes and he swallowed audibly, releasing his grip, knuckles white as snow. He wondered if this was the first time Levi was ever telling this story to anyone and, if so, why _him?_

“When my mom found out about my newly discovered passion, she made it her mission to do everything in her power to support it. Which, as you might guess, as I grew older drove me to have a hatred for something that had once brought me joy. With age came the understanding of exactly what my mother was doing and thus began a growing resentment within me. 

This is also when I began to realize I liked men instead of girls. It made things harder for me, because of where we lived, and I had to learn quickly that if I wanted to survive, I had to grow strong. I became vicious. I was bitter about the fact that I was gay, hated that it gave everyone an excuse to pick on me, and my size didn't help. Knowing that if people found out I danced it would only fuel the fire, I gave it up once I discovered an underground fight club of sorts. This is when I began to get into matches with people far more skilled than I was. It was the only way to become stronger, constantly losing and being beaten to the brink of death. Until, one day, I won. 

I never lost again after that. I became the absolute best, known as Corporal in that world. People began to bet on me and win money which meant that I was also winning money. A lot of it. I started to bring it home to my mom, told her to pay the bills with it, yelled at her to stop bringing home all of those filthy men.”

Another pause. Another deep sigh from Levi. Another plate being overly scrubbed by tan hands with white knuckles. Fingers wrinkly and raw from the movements. A pair of eyes downcast and closed off, another far away in a different time and place. 

“I said a lot of things I shouldn’t have said, and she warned me that I needed to get out of that crowd. That she wanted a better life for me. That winning so much money would become addictive to the point where it was no longer enough, and I would seek other, more dangerous ways to make even more. Of course, I didn’t listen. 

One day, a guy that often came to watch the fights who had become a sort of friend of mine offered me something I couldn’t refuse. All I had to do was escort some drugs from one place to the next, and he would pay me more money than I’d made in all my years fighting combined. That night, I almost lost my life. I have a scar from the bullet hole on my lower abdomen, which you couldn’t see because it is covered by a tattoo. 

All of the scars I have are covered by my tattoos. From fighting as a form of coping with my life, as a way to hurt myself without being the one to directly inflict the pain, to nearly dying because I couldn’t listen to my mom. The woman who had sacrificed _everything_ so that I could live.”

The chair scraped against the ground as Levi stood up and Eren felt his shoulders tense in response to that movement. He had long ago finished all the dishes, the ritual so automatic that his brain hadn’t caught up with the fact, both hands dipped in the water still, _searching._ He turned to look at Levi, jaw clenched, heart-pounding, sweat slowly dripping down his temple.

Emotions. Vulnerability. The strength to talk about one’s past. Three things that Eren Yeager was not good at. Three things that Levi Ackerman was giving him. By opening up, the older man was creating a new path for the younger man to walk down. Was offering him the chance to see that being vulnerable was not a sign of weakness. That it was okay to feel. Eren didn’t know if he was ready for this. 

He felt like a deer trapped in headlights as Levi walked towards him, stopping a few feet away at the counter, likely noting the look of panic on the choreographer’s face. 

“Cygnus,” Levi touched his chest, “is my mother’s favorite constellation. Whenever she had the chance, she would drag me out of Paris and into the countryside, pointing up to the sky. She always told me she wished she could be like a star, shining no matter how dark life was. 

After that night, my mother and I gathered all of our money together and moved here. I put all of my energy into becoming the best dancer I could be. My only goal was to make enough money so that my mother would never have to work again. No matter what I do, I’ll never be able to repay her for everything she has ever done for me. She loved me when I was at my worst, she never raised her voice at me even when I did it to her. She never once called me a bad name. She never resented me even though...even though...”

Levi’s voice began to break, and he lifted his hand to the bridge of his nose, pinching the area as he tried to calm himself. His body was shaking slightly and for the first time in many, many years, Eren began to feel scared. He wanted to go to Levi, to wrap his arms around the man so tight that he would absorb all of those emotions into himself. He wanted to keep Levi safe, safe from the terribleness of this world. Eren wanted to _feel._

He wanted to laugh along with this man in front of him. To cry. To experience life and joy and pain and death. And that scared the fucking shit out of him. Because to feel meant to open yourself up to the possibility of getting hurt. 

Eren bit his lip and looked away from Levi, grabbing a dry towel to wring in his hands as words that had the power to break him came quietly from the older man’s lips. 

“Even though I told her I resented her. I will never forget how, despite my words, she wrapped me up in her arms and told me she loved me and always would. And now...now...now my mother is dying Eren. She’s fucking dying, and it should be me! It should be me! I should be the one in pain! I should be the one whose life is ending because I am not worth even _half_ of what she is. And I don’t know...I don’t know how to fucking cope with that. How am I supposed to accept that she is no longer going to be with me? She’s all I’ve ever had...she’s... _fuck!_ ” 

Levi slammed his fist onto the countertop and Eren jumped, startled by the sudden noise in the otherwise quiet room. He didn’t know how to respond, had long ago forgotten about the loss of a parent. He’d been so young when it happened to him that he’d learned to become numb to such pain, to bury it deep inside to the point where it didn’t exist. 

To see someone as strong as Levi breaking down in front of him was...was _unthinkable_ to Eren. This man whom he had grown to admire over the years, whom he’d always thought as indestructible, crumbling under the weight of the reality that had been wrought upon him. A person whom he’d always thought of as some sort of god, standing here in front of Eren, more human than the choreographer could ever hope to be. 

It made sense to him, then, what had initially attracted him to Levi. His strength wasn’t in his ability to dance but in his ability to display his emotions through that art form. Anyone who had ever thought of Levi as cold and heartless, as difficult to work with an uncaring, had never truly seen what his intentions were when he got on that stage. 

Eren thought back to every performance he had ever watched, in how his heart would pound wildly inside his chest every time Levi stepped on that stage, how his hands would become clammy and his eyes would moisten with unshed tears. Stubborn, that’s what everyone around him had always called him. 

Eren had lied to himself. 

He didn’t turn Levi away because of his personality. He turned him away because Levi’s fearlessness in being vulnerable, to go on that stage and share his emotions to the world not caring what others would think of him, it scared Eren more than anything else ever could. Eren didn’t want to remember, he didn’t want to face his past. Didn’t want to face himself. 

“That’s why Eren, there is something about you that I don’t understand.” 

Eren could hear his blood rushing through his ears as he turned away from Levi, heart pounding so rapidly in his chest that he was sure it would burst through his rib cage, blood seeping onto the floor underneath him. 

“I looked into you. I had to, considering I’ve been wanting you to be my choreographer for a long time. I was curious when I saw the first video of you ever being interviewed and you said your parents were dead, especially when I attempted to google it and not much came up. You’d think that would have been newsworthy, a ten-year-old's parents dying and him growing up to become one of the most successful choreographers.” 

Eren grabbed the counter in front of him for support, his fingers aching from the effort to keep himself grounded. His breathing became heavy as Levi continued to speak. 

“I am lucky enough to have friends in all types of fields. I asked one of them to look further into it for me and, you know what baffles me? During our first session, you told me both of your parents had died. But that was a lie, wasn’t it, Eren?” 

Eren’s body was shaking at this point, his head whirling as he tried to think of how to talk his way out of this. It wasn’t possible. No one had ever known. Fourteen years had passed since then and he’d never had to revisit those memories. Not even Mikasa or Armin knew the full story. It was his, and his alone. 

“It’s true that your father died that day, however, your mother...Carla Yeager, she’s been in the Maria Psychiatric Institute for fourteen years. So, if she is alive, why is it that you insist on telling everyone that she is dead? My mother is dying and yours is still living, yet you act as though she doesn’t exist. Do you-”

“Shut up,” Eren said quietly, voice laced with anger. 

“Excuse me?” 

“I said shut the fuck up, Levi. Who do you think you are, having someone dig into my background like that? Acting this entire time as though you didn’t know? Is that why you fucked me? So that I would open up to you?” 

Eren’s voice had risen to the point where he was now yelling, his face was flushed red, and he was finding it increasingly difficult to breathe. He couldn’t recall the last time he’d felt this angry, probably some fight with his childhood friend Jean before his father had died, and he hated it. Despised how his body was reacting. 

“What the fuck, Eren? Do you honestly think that’s why I had sex with you? Is that the kind of person you believe me to be?” Levi was yelling right back, his emotions mirroring the ones that Eren felt, and that’s what caused the younger man to break. 

Eren whirled around, a few tears falling down his face for the first time in years. “How dare you! How dare you bring my past up and shove it in my face like that. Just because you were ready to share your past with me, doesn’t mean that I was ready to do the same. Fuck, Levi! There is a reason I don’t talk about my mother. I realize that your mom is dying and that you would do anything in your power to change that. My mother...my mother... _that_ woman...she doesn’t deserve to be alive.” 

Eyes widened at Eren’s words, Levi’s face twisting as though he had been stabbed in the heart. The younger man imagined it must be hard for someone who loved his mother unconditionally to hear those words, and this was the first time Eren had ever said them out loud, a feeling of euphoria rushing through him. His head was swimming, legs shaking, chest heaving. _What was this?_

Levi walked up to Eren and grabbed him by the shirt, fists curling into the material, his face was so close to the younger man that he could see specks of blue in the silver of his irises. _Beautiful._

_Was it possible to feel nothing and everything all at once?_

“You say you aren’t ready, but it’s been fourteen years Eren. For fuck's sake, just get past that invisible wall you built for yourself. Do you even realize how much potential you have? Last night...I could _see_ it. I could see that vulnerability that you are so fucking scared of. Those emotions that you constantly push away. I just...could you...just fucking explain this to me.” 

Eren wrapped his fingers around both of Levi’s wrists and pulled them away before releasing them and taking a few steps back, leaning against the counter as he rubbed his hands over his face, the palms becoming wet from the few tears that had managed to pool over.

“I don’t want to talk about it, Levi.”

“No. But you need to. There is a difference. Can’t you see what it’s doing to you? If you continue to run away from your emotions, it’s going to tear you apart from the inside out.” 

Eren scoffed, “coming from the one who can’t even accept the fact that his mother is dying.” 

Levi’s face hardened and he balled his hands into fists, “that’s different and you know it. You can’t expect someone to accept death before it has happened. Don’t take your anger out on my mom.” 

The choreographer sighed in defeat, a sudden heaviness taking over his body. He felt tired, as though he hadn’t slept in years. And, maybe Levi was right. Perhaps it was time for him to finally talk about what had happened fourteen years ago. 

“Fine...you win. Just... don't say anything until I’m finished, okay? I’ve never...I’ve never told anyone about any of this. I don’t even know how to start.” 

Levi gave Eren a sad smile before responding quietly, “I’m afraid you will find that starting isn’t the difficult part.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From here on out, these chapters are going to be hard. Some of the hardest things I've ever written. I teared up at a few points during this chapter so be warned. I don't want to give too much away about the ending but please be prepared for a lot of emotions and angst and sadness. I hope that it will be worth it.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone has read my fics before, you know for multichapters I ALWAYS have a playlist that goes with them. So, here is my baby. Two songs on here, in particular, are super important for the story, so I'd definitely recommend giving it a listen. I hope you enjoy! [Black Swan Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5fBzk1X4lV3MmWyXVW5EWJ?si=K0bBYaqfSFafisLKfp4shg)

Eren leaned back against the sink, putting as much distance between himself and Levi as he could, and it felt as though he was collapsing into himself. His body was attempting to make him as small as possible, to shield him from the possibility of being hurt, as if that were even possible. He’d spent the past fourteen years hiding from his past and now that it was time to confront it, Eren had no idea where to begin. 

“I’m not sure how to start this,” he said quietly as he crossed his arms around his chest, a physical barrier against the invisible enemy that he was about to face. 

“There is no right way or wrong way to start, Eren,” Levi’s voice was calm, and for some reason, it made Eren angry. How was it that he could stand there and talk about his past and emotions as though it was the easiest thing in the world? Yet, when Eren tried, it felt as though there was a lump of coal in his throat. He swallowed around it, the burning sensation nearly enough to cause him to back out and demand that Levi leave. 

Eren rubbed his palms over his face several times before letting out a long and low sigh, his body aching from how tensed up it was. He didn’t understand why something that happened so long ago was this difficult to talk about. There had been times in the past where he imagined finally telling someone about what had happened that day. In those fantasies, it was always a beautiful moment where he’d let it all out, effortless in his storytelling, the words pouring free from his mouth like a waterfall after a rainy day. 

“Well...” he swallowed again, the sound deafening in the eerily silent kitchen, “I suppose I should start with how my mother and father met.” 

Yes, this part was easy. He could do this. 

“My father was a doctor, a neurologist to be specific, and he met my mom while he was doing his residency at Trost Medical Center. She owned a café and bakery that he frequented throughout the day, and he always told people that for him it was love at first sight. His exact words were ‘the first time I saw Carla smile, it was as though I had been a man who had lived all his days trapped in darkness and I was seeing the sun for the very first time.’

My mom was hesitant on dating because she had been diagnosed with schizophrenia and worried that when the person that she fell in love with found out, they would leave her. However, as my father was a man of medicine, he’d made it his duty to learn about mental illnesses as well. They’d often have long late-night discussions about the health field and how it needed to do more to ensure help for those with mental illnesses and, over time, my mother began to trust him. 

When she told him about her schizophrenia, it didn’t phase him at all. Rather, on top of his residency, he would go home after every shift and study up on my mom’s condition so that he could do everything in his power to understand it and help her.”

Eren paused, a small smile forming on his face as he thought about what a kind and caring man his father had been. Grisha Yeager was unlike anyone else in the world, constantly going out of his way to do whatever he could to make those around him feel safe, understood, and loved. It’d been a while since he’d talked this freely about his parents and his heart began to hurt as he pictured his father’s bright eyes and smiling face. Eren had forgotten what it was like to miss him. 

“They dated for two years before my dad mustered up the courage to propose to her. A year later, as soon as he finished his residency, they were married. And a year after that was when I came into the picture. The first nine years of my life are some of the best memories I will ever have. My parents were so proud of every little thing I did to the point that when I took up an interest in dancing and the arts rather than science, my father researched every single dance teacher in the area until he found me the best one. 

Unlike other fathers, he never pushed me to follow in his footsteps to do medicine. He constantly encouraged me to do what I wanted and would come to every single one of my practices despite his long shifts at the hospital. He was so proud of me...I couldn’t imagine a life without him in it. It’s still hard to believe it’s been so long...” 

Eren trailed off, his throat burning unfamiliarly, and it was only when he felt the first tear slide down his cheek that he realized the sensation was from his effort to not break down and cry. He cleared his throat and turned around to drain the sink of the water, not wanting to show his weakness to someone else despite knowing Levi wouldn’t think anything differently of him for it. One couldn’t go fourteen years without opening up about something so impactful to their life and have it be easy, despite what the person whom they were telling meant to them. 

“I always knew, even from a young age, that there was something different about my mother. A majority of the time she was the sweetest person on the Earth, constantly smiling and laughing. She would teach me how to bake, often bringing me to her store where I would get to help out when it came to taste testing new recipes. However, there were times where she...she would get this look in her eyes whenever we made eye contact. Her pupils would dilate, and it seemed as though she wanted to kill me.

It was only years later that I realized these were the moments where she’d forgotten to take her medicine, or when the prescription she was on had no longer been working for her. It didn’t happen all the time, but it was often enough that I never liked to be alone with her. After I turned nine it became worse, though I can’t to this day explain why. Everything I did irritated her more and more to the point where I could no longer be left alone with her for long periods. 

My dad was doing everything in his power to work with her specialists to figure out what was wrong and what could be done to make her better again. I think, though I can’t ever know for certain, that they were close to something when... _fuck_.”

Eren hung his head over the sink, his heart pounding rapidly inside his rib cage to the point where he swore he could feel the organ pressing up against his bones. His fingers tightened around the countertop and he grit his teeth, jaw aching, eyes burning, throat constricting. Eren’s entire body was fighting against him right now, warding him from continuing forward with his story. It was as though it was screaming at him to stop, to save himself from the pain that the memories would bring.

_How was it possible to move forward when it still hurt this much?_

“That night...I don’t remember exactly what set her off. My father was in his study and he had asked me to go get him a glass of water. When I went into the kitchen I found my mother standing there with a large knife in her hand and a crazed look on her face. Her pupils were so wide that her eyes looked black, as though she had been consumed by some demon. She started saying something about me being the devil’s child, that I had black wings protruding from my back, and that she would cut them from me and save me from Satan’s grip.

I remember screaming as she came at me and running to the other side of the island in the middle of the kitchen, using it as a shield between her and I. I just...kept screaming for my dad. And I shouldn’t have...I should have just fought her myself. He came rushing in, there is a distinct memory of the look of panic on his face until he saw that I was safe. After that, everything is a blur. He was doing his best to calm her down, telling her she needed to take her medicine. She was going on about how the devil was telling him to poison her so she wouldn’t see the truth, that I was a demon and not her child.

There was some more screaming...black wings over and over again...and the next thing I know she’s coming for me and my father gets in the way and the knife goes straight through his chest. I never knew it was that easy...it slid right through him as though his body were butter.”

Eren’s throat constricted a few times as he did his best to keep himself from breaking down. He was gripping the counter so tight that his knuckles were now white, the images from that night flashing through his brain like a movie. Eren had spent so long distancing himself from his father's death that it felt as though he were watching someone else’s nightmare unfold in front of him.

Years could never erase the pain of seeing your father die before you...of the way his eyes had locked with yours and he mouthed “I love you...run” before collapsing onto the floor and ceasing to move. The man you’d always held dear, who you’d looked up to, who was supposed to be by your side until he was old and gray...the man you’d always thought of as invincible...gone in a matter of seconds.

“I don’t think I’ll ever stop blaming myself for his death...if I hadn’t called him down...if I’d maybe ran away instead...or just let her come for me. But I was a coward and he died as a result. I kept calling out his name and hoping that he would get up...he’d told me to run but I was frozen in place. No matter what my brain told my legs to do, they wouldn’t move. And then, my mother went insane.

She yelled that I had killed him, and I deserved to die, that I wouldn’t be taking any more souls for the devil tonight. The pain of being stabbed in the stomach was nothing compared to the pain of knowing my father was gone from my life forever. I think, at that moment, I wanted to die. However, before my mother could do more the police arrived and got her off of me.

I was told later that my dad had called them the moment he heard me scream. I think...I think he knew, deep down, that he wasn’t going to live through that night. He knew and he still came for me. And I know, from that look on his face right before he passed, that he didn’t regret it. There was no other choice for him. My mother may have been his sun, but I was his whole world and there was no way he would have lived without me.

To this day, I think to myself ‘you didn’t want to live without me, so how am I supposed to be happy living without you?’ It’s impossible...so I have done my best to erase it from my memory. To not face the pain.”

Tears were freely falling from his eyes now, dripping onto the countertop and coating the surface with his pain. Eren’s body had reached the point where it could no longer hold him upright, so he slid down until he was crouching on the floor, forehead resting against the wooden cabinets in front of him.

What would his father think of him? His own son pushing his memory to the side for his own benefit, too frightened to face the pain that his memories brought upon him. Fourteen years later and Eren was as much of a coward as he had been the night his father was taken away from him.

“My mother couldn’t face jail time because of her mental instability, so they sent her to the psych ward instead. I would rather she had died. So, there you go, the truth of my parents. Don’t sit there and judge me for not wanting my mother to exist after what she did to my father and me. I have spent all my life thinking that I’m a monster not worthy of existing because of her and there is nothing she could ever do to take that pain away.”

There was no feeling of relief at telling his story, no weightlessness that people often talked about after getting something heavy off their chest. Instead, Eren felt hollow inside, the memories of that night fresh, as though they’d only just happened. It was bullshit, being told that to feel free you needed to accept your past, the only thing it had done was bring Eren more pain and loneliness.

No one would ever be able to understand him. After all, who could possibly comprehend a son wishing for the death of his own mother? Perhaps she had been right all those years ago. Eren was a monster.

He felt more than heard Levi move to crouch down next to him, the warmth of his palm on his back bringing him back to the present, a painful realization that there was someone here watching Eren crumble. One of the world’s most famous choreographers...more like one of the world’s best pretenders. It was easy to get up in front of people and smile, to put on that mask and act as though your life was a blessing to be lived every day. What wasn’t easy was facing those demons, allowing the world to see who you truly were deep down inside.

“Eren...have you ever thought that your mom didn’t mean to do any of that? You said she was off of her medication; she wasn’t in her right mind. I can’t imagine how much you have suffered over the years, but I also can’t help but think about what she has been going through, realizing that she not only murdered her husband but attempted to murder her child as well. Perhaps you should go to visit-”

Eren shook Levi’s hand from his back roughly and pushed him away before turning around, tears still streaming down his face, vision blurry and eyes wide in disbelief. For the first time in his life, he’d trusted someone enough to tell them about his past, and here that person was sticking up for the woman who had ruined his entire life. His chest was filled with an entirely new pain as the overwhelming feeling of betrayal coursed through his veins.

“I can’t fucking believe you. Of course, you’d stick up for her. You know what? Fuck you, Levi. Get the fuck out of my house. I don’t want to see you again; you can forget about us working together. Find someone else to choreograph for you,” each word that came from his mouth was full of venom and the look of pain on Levi’s face was one that Eren knew he’d take with him to his grave, however, he was too hurt at that moment to care about anyone but himself.

Levi’s hand dangled in the air as though it had been burned and Eren watched as his Adam’s apple bobbed, his voice coming out hoarse as he replied, “I am not trying to be insensitive Eren. I just think it would be good for you. You’ll never move on unless you face this. Please, understand.”

Eren wiped at his face before standing up and turning away, no longer wishing to see the older man. Levi was everything that Eren could never be and he couldn’t deal with that right now, couldn’t face that the words Levi spoke were the truth. He should have never gone over to his house, should have never allowed himself to get close, and he definitely shouldn’t have slept with him.

Vulnerable. That’s what Levi made him. 

“You heard what I said, Levi. Get out.”

Eren didn’t turn around to assess the damage he had caused, didn’t move a muscle until he heard his front door close softly, as though Levi wanted to do his best to make his departure as quiet as possible, his existence a mere mirage in the endless desert of Eren’s heart.

_I want to feel nothing._

•••

Two weeks had gone by since Eren’s falling out with Levi and he felt emptier than he’d ever thought possible. Despite only having known Levi for a few short months, the man had managed to fill Eren’s life with so much laughter and comfort. Those nights of going over to his house and having late night tea with him and Kuchel...it had been the first time since his father had died that he’d felt as though he had a family again. 

He’d spent every day since throwing himself into his work, long hours at the studio, barely eating or sleeping. Armin did his best to ensure Eren was taking care of himself but even he was struggling more than usual, often reaching a point of frustration that caused them to have heated arguments. 

Eren hated it. 

He hated that he was too much of a coward to face the fact that everything Levi had said was right. But he also hated that Levi hadn’t given him more time to evaluate and come to terms with his emotions before bringing up a visitation with his mother. He hadn’t been in a good mind and despite whatever good intentions Levi had, he’d overstepped and allowed his own feelings about his mother’s impending death to overrule Eren’s emotions towards Carla. 

He sighed as he sat on his living room couch, tv turned on but the volume off, the lights flickering around the room and over his gaunt face. The bags under his eyes were the worst they’d ever been, telling of the nightmares he suffered from each night since opening up to Levi.

Was Eren the monster? 

That was the question that haunted him every minute of every day. Maybe his mother had been right in her attempt to kill him. Would his parents have been able to live a happy life without him as part of it?

Suddenly, a loud pounding at his door brought him out of his thoughts, his entire body jerking as the noise surprised him. No one ever came to his house and his immediate conclusion was that it was the police, and something had happened to one of his friends. The thought of losing another person close to him had him rushing towards the door and flinging it open, only to find Levi standing at the door with red eyes and a pale face. 

“Levi?” 

“Eren, please. It’s my mother. The doctors say she only has a day, maybe two at most. I know after everything I have no right to ask but...she wants to see you. Will you come?” 

_No._

_There was supposed to be more time._

_A few months, right? It had only been two weeks._

_Why?_

_I’m not ready to watch someone else die._

_Can I do this?_

Eren thought of Kuchel’s kind smile, of her love for Levi, her acceptance of Eren without hesitation. He didn't say a word, he simply grabbed his coat and shoes, a silent agreement that he would go with the dancer. The look of relief that etched itself on the older man's face didn't go unnoticed by Eren and his heart clenched tightly as he thought about how he'd left Levi to deal with the pain of his mother withering away all on his own.

_Am I a monster?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I've been being a bit slow with updates the past few weeks. Life has just been...yeah. I hope you all will understand my slow updates and I want to thank each and every one of you for your continuous support. Only three more chapters to go now, are we ready for this next one because I can assure you that I am not.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took longer than I anticipated and I believe once you read it, you will understand why. 
> 
> I was not sure given the current times if it was appropriate to continue sharing such a story, however, I then thought it still may bring those who read it comfort. And, it is a story which must be told, so rather than put it on hold I wish to finish it. I warn you, this is difficult. I suggest reading this in the comfort of your room with a warm drink nearby and maybe a fluffy friend to cuddle.
> 
> Note: Please listen to the song linked, you will be able to click on it. Will say "song" with ____ under it.

Eren had decided to drive separately from Levi to the hospital, a discomfort still nestling itself deep within his bones causing it difficult to be around the man for long lengths of time. It was, of course, caused by the knowledge that Levi had made him question how he’d decided to live out his life. Was the decision to pretend that his mother no longer existed the right one? Should he have gone to her, all those years ago, to hear the truth come from her lips?

He shook his head, fingers gripping the steering wheel so tight that his knuckles glowed white under the passing streetlights. He hadn’t been to a hospital since the night his father died, and his stomach churned at the thought of stepping inside one again. There was an aura of bleakness in hospitals, the white walls mocking and the scent of death and despair wafting through the halls like demons.

Eren would have much rather remained at home brooding on his couch, however, he couldn’t dismiss the connection he had built with Kuchel over the past few months. To ignore her request...would that be something he could live with for the rest of his life?

As he looked up at the glowing hospital lights, the silence inside his vehicle deafening, he knew without a doubt that he would remain with Levi and Kuchel until she took her last breath. All of the decisions he had made throughout his life had led him here, to this very moment, and he refused to run and hide once again. Perhaps there was a reason that these two people had been placed in his life. Maybe it was time for Eren to grow up and move on.

This would be the first step.

Eren took a deep breath as he walked towards Levi who was standing at the hospital entrance, his shoulders were slumped and his head was bowed down, black hair fluttering in the winter breeze. The younger man placed a hand on Levi’s shoulder and squeezed, a gesture that said “I’m here for you. I’m not going anywhere. It’s going to be okay.”

Levi looked up at him, eyes glossy and face grim. It was an expression that displayed how serious this situation truly was, one that made Eren realize it was likely that Kuchel wouldn’t make it through the night. He swallowed audibly and nodded, following Levi inside the building and through the winding hallways.

_White._

_Everything was so white._

Eren always wondered why hospitals chose to paint their walls such a bland color. Were they attempting to replicate what the afterlife might be like? To prepare the dying for a world without color, cold and forlorn, void of happiness? He pursed his lips and averted his eyes from those who looked his way, he didn’t want to see those faces, the ones full of pain and misery. It was too much. It was suffocating. He couldn’t do this. He needed to-

“She’s in here,” Levi’s somber voice brought him out of his thoughts, and he balled his hands into fists as he stepped through the doorway, the air nearly leaving his body as he saw Kuchel lying in front of him.

He’d never noticed in the months of spending time with her how frail she had become, the bags under her eyes had become acutely pronounced, her cheeks gaunt, and although her hair still fell in waves down her shoulders he could tell it had thinned out significantly since he’d last seen her. Though wrapped in several blankets, he could detect shivers constantly wracking her body. Despite her current state, however, those kind eyes still glowed with life and happiness.

As soon as she saw Eren, Kuchel’s mouth widened in a smile, “Eren. It’s so good to see you. Thank you for coming here on such short notice. You don’t have to stay for long, I just wanted to speak with you about a few things before I die.”

“Maman-”

“Levi, not now. We all know what’s happening, do you expect me not to speak it out loud? Now, why don’t you go get yourself something to eat while I talk with dear Eren here? Go on, shoo.”

Eren turned to look at Levi and gave him a slight nod, letting him know that he would be okay. If anything happened while the older man was away, Eren would immediately rush to get him.

Levi sighed, “okay. Maman, don’t go saying anything crazy to him. I’ll be back in an hour.”

Kuchel simply waved the dancer off, waiting for him to leave and shut the door before turning her attention back to Eren. It was only then that her face changed, truly showing the effects of her illness. She looked exhausted, as though she hadn’t slept in months, and her eyes became glossy with pain as her lips pulled down into a frown.

“I thought I would have more time left; I did not expect my health to take a turn this quickly. I have never wished to leave him, you know this, right? You must understand, Levi is everything to me. He has been the reason for my existence the past thirty-four years, the cause of my smile. My absolute pride and joy. For that reason, I could not bring myself to drag this out. The cost of the treatments, only to extend my life by a few short months...him having to watch me in pain...needing to give up his dreams to take care of me. That is not the life I would want for him.”

Kuchel paused and took a deep, shuddering breath, her body straining with the effort to provide her adequate amounts of oxygen, “I know you two have been fighting. Levi didn’t tell me the details, he has never been one to reveal the secrets of another person, believing that it is their story to tell. Eren, he cares about you deeply, and whatever he has said that had caused this rift was done out of love. Levi has always been a strong-headed individual, steadfast in his convictions. He will not apologize for his words in situations where he believes they are necessary, no matter how harsh. It will be up for you to decide what to do with them.”

She paused again as she patted the bed, motioning for Eren to come and sit next to her. He quickly obliged, grabbing the hand she held out and holding it on his own. He was beginning to feel that pain in his throat, the discomfort that signaled the need to cry, but he held back. He did not want to lose it, not here...not now.

Her fingers made the slightest movement around his hand, and it took him a few seconds to realize she was attempting to squeeze it, causing his heart to hurt in a whole new way. Eren looked down at her, taking in every detail of her face, committing it to memory. No matter how painful it would be, he wanted to remember her forever, not just in moments where she was happy and full of life, but here and now as well. Where she was being stronger than he could ever hope to be.

“Eren, listen to me closely now. There will come a time where you will need to leave him, you will feel it deep within your soul, unable to rest until you do so. I know you will not want to leave him alone, but I can promise you he will be okay and in time he will understand. In life, we cannot always grow alongside others, some pains go too deep. Promise me, Eren. Promise that when you feel that calling, you will take flight and spread your wings.”

Eren looked away, throat constricting as her words weaved their way into his heart. He had already left Levi to deal with the pain of his mothers’ death for weeks, how could he possibly leave him again? With the hand that wasn’t held by hers, he rubbed his face tiredly, his soul conflicted. What was she talking about? A time where he would need to leave? Was death beginning to make her delusional?

“I-” Eren sighed heavily and looked back down at her earnest face, although he had no idea what she was going on about he owed her at least this much- “I promise. When the time comes...I will go.”

Kuchel smiled softly and let go of his hand before patting the top of it gently, looking towards the door with an even brighter smile when it opened to reveal a much livelier Levi. How long had it been since he’d last had food?

“Maman, how are you?”

“I’m okay, Levi. Just a bit tired. I think I’ll go to sleep for a while. Eren, you should go get something hot to drink, it’s quite cold in here.”

Levi moved to go to his mother, situating himself in the hospital bed so that he was lying next to her with her frail body being held inside his arms, “Tu as froid maman?”

“Pas avec toi ici, ma chère.”

Eren left them then, not wanting to intrude on these moments, the ones that would be the last they would ever share. He closed his eyes and slumped against the wall, body tired and heart heavy. All he could think about was how hard Levi had worked, the endless number of hours he’d put into his choreography, his desire to show his mother how much he loved her more intense than anything Eren had ever experienced.

There had to be a way...

“Eren? Eren Yeager? Is that you?”

The choreographer looked up, eyes widening slightly when they locked with a familiar face, one he hadn’t seen in fourteen years.

“Mr. Kruger?”

“Ah, it is you, then. Why... I haven’t seen you since before your father passed. What brings you here?”

Just then, a thought occurred to Eren. Just because they couldn’t bring Kuchel to Levi’s dance didn’t mean they couldn’t bring it to her.

“Mr. Kruger I know it’s been a long time, but I have a favor to ask of you.”

•••

A few hours later found Eren knocking at Kuchel’s hospital door lightly, waiting for a tired and confused Levi to open the door. As he peered inside, Eren could clearly see that Kuchel was still fast asleep, her face void of pain in her restful state. The choreographer motioned for Levi to come out of the room so as not to disturb his sleeping mother, his body alight with nervous excitement.

“Eren, what is it?”

“I know you don’t like leaving her alone but come with me. It won’t take that long, promise.”

Levi looked back at the room before turning to Eren once more, face skeptical “I’m not sure...”

“Come on, Levi. Please? It will be worth it, I swear.”

Levi sighed, “okay. I’ll come.”

Eren grinned for the first time that night as he grabbed the older man’s hand and led him down towards the cafeteria. It had taken quite a bit of maneuvering to set up the area exactly how he’d wanted it and to bring in the proper equipment, however, with the help of Dr. Kruger and other hospital staff Eren had been able to transform the room into a stage fit for Levi's performance.

When they reached their intended destination, Eren watched as Levi’s eyes widened in awe. All the tables had been moved and put away, the lighting dimmed, a small stage set up in the center that was set with black curtains to be pulled back to reveal Levi when the song began. Two speakers had been brought with the proper wiring for Eren to hook his phone up to them and in front of the stage they had set up several rows of seats to give the dancer an audience.

“I know it’s not quite the same as a theater but it’s the best I could do in these circumstances. We didn’t practice so hard to create this dance for Kuchel only for her to not be able to see it. I went back to my house to grab the outfit for it as well...it had been finished and sent to me a week ago. Thought you might want it. So, what do you...Levi? Are you okay?”

Eren stopped speaking once he noticed the tears slowing cascading down the older man’s face, his teeth were digging into his bottom lip, and he was wringing his hands together so tightly Eren was worried he might cause himself permanent damage. He grabbed Levi’s hands, taking them in his as he rubbed his thumbs over his knuckles softly. Perhaps this had been a horrible idea, he should have asked before going off and making this decision himself. Why did he always have to mess everything up?

“Eren-” Levi choked out as he squeezed the choreographer’s hands back, voice barely above a whisper- “this is...I don’t know how to thank you. This means everything to me. All I ever wanted was to give her a gift to show how much I love her and now...now I can.”

Eren looked down at the older man and smiled softly, his shoulders immediately relaxing once he was aware that he hadn’t royally fucked up. It seemed as though it’d been an eternity since he’d cared this much about another person and he didn’t know if he could handle hurting Levi once more. They had their differences in opinion, sure, but everyone did. He had been childish to turn his back on this man before without trying to work through it. Eren wouldn’t make that mistake again, even if there did come a time where he had to leave.

“I’m so glad you like it. Your outfit is sitting right over there on the table in the bag. Why don’t you go get ready and I’ll set everything up and grab Kuchel, okay?”

Levi nodded and squeezed Eren’s hands one more time, taking a deep calming breath before going to grab the bag and disappearing to a bathroom where he could change. In the meantime, Eren made sure to set up the sound system and have the song Levi had chosen so long ago ready to play. Now that Eren had gotten to know Kuchel and Levi’s story, the song choice and its meaning were made clear to him. He knew he wouldn’t get through this without crying, however, nothing beautiful was ever created without pain. A flower must die in the winter before it is reborn again in the spring.

Once everything was set up, Eren left to go get Kuchel who was still sound asleep in her hospital room. He gently roused her, brushing his hands through her hair and whispering in her ear until she stirred awake with a soft smile.

“Hey there, Levi has something he wants you to see. Think you can stay awake for a bit? I’ve brought a wheelchair, so you don’t have to worry about walking. It’s just right down the hall.”

Kuchel placed her hand on Eren’s cheek, eyes warm and bright, “Hello sweetheart. Of course, if my baby has planned something for me I have to see what it is. Let’s go.”

Eren nodded before scooping Kuchel up in his arms delicately and walking her over to her wheelchair, which was lined with soft blankets he had brought back from his home. Once she was all snuggled in, he pushed her out towards the cafeteria, face lighting up in a smile when he heard her startled intake of breath at the scene before her.

“Miss Ackerman gets a front-row seat, of course. Did you need any water? I can bring you some?”

“No, no sweetie. I’m quite alright. Why don’t you sit next to me and join in?”

Eren leaned down and kissed Kuchel’s forehead softly, “sorry I can’t be your date tonight. I’m in charge of sound. However, I’ve found a pretty suitable replacement if I do say so myself. You’re familiar with Mr. Smith, I presume?”

Kuchel’s face split into a wide grin when the towering blond appeared from behind Eren and took her hand, placing a kiss on top of it before sitting down next to her.

“I know I’m not as cute as Eren, but I hope I will do.”

“Don’t you dare sass me, young man. You know how good looking you are. Poor Mike endured your flirting for years before you finally decided to be a man and end his pain.”

Eren smiled at the two of them and left to go and stand by the speakers, snippets of their laughter following after him. He waited until every single seat was filled, a total of around fifty people, before signaling for Dr. Kruger to dim the lights to let Levi know it would be time to start.

“Come on, Levi. We’ve been practicing this for months, you’ve got this,” Eren whispered to himself as he took a deep breath and closed his eyes, feeling nervous even though he wouldn’t be the one on stage. Never had one of his collaborations been this important and, even if he did this until he could no longer stand, he doubted any would ever top this.

Once the lights were dimmed, Eren pressed the play button on his phone, biting his lower lip as the sound of a violin playing began to filter through the air. One of the staff members pulled back the curtain to reveal Levi, and Eren’s breath immediately left his lungs. The dancer was gorgeous, wearing loose-fitting white pants made of silk and a matching long-sleeve t-shirt crafted from the same material. He held a long white cloth in his hand and as he moved it billowed through the air around him akin to angels’ wings.

As soon as Levi began to move in tandem with the [song,](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dzNvk80XY9s) Eren could feel the tears already pooling in his eyes. Every step the dancer took, every breath that filtered through his lungs, each movement down to his bare toes was made with precision. Once the melancholy voice began to belt out the lyrics, Levi’s entire demeanor shifted. You could _feel_ his emotions through every motion, his love for his mother pouring from his body like a waterfall after heavy rain.

Even from this far back, Eren could clearly see the tears that were streaming down the older man’s face as he moved gracefully through the choreography they’d so painstakingly crafted these past few months. It was far more beautiful than Eren could have ever imagined, seeing that pure devoted love put on display. His eyes moved from Levi to Kuchel, watching as her shoulders shook slightly while she watched her son perform what was undoubtedly his best work...for the final time.

He couldn’t imagine how it must feel to watch this knowing it was done all for her that, despite their differences and hardships over the years, Levi loved her beyond words. It was the truest love one could ever experience, an unbreakable bond between mother and son, and to be able to witness it unfold was the greatest gift Eren could have ever received.

By the time the performance was over, there wasn’t a dry eye in the room. As Levi bowed, Eren found himself unable to clap as he was so overwhelmed with emotion. He knew his face was an absolute mess, however, he didn’t care. All that mattered was that he was able to do this, to bring Kuchel one last happy memory, and to be there for Levi when it all came crashing down. Because he knew, as he looked from afar at Levi and Kuchel hugging tightly, that this would be their last night together. All beautiful things must die.

•••

A few hours later, Levi’s worst nightmare came true. Eren had gone to use the bathroom and get a drink of water and when he came back, Kuchel was struggling to breathe, chest heaving as sweat dripped down her face from the effort to fight death.

He immediately rushed over to kneel down next to Levi, taking the older man’s free hand, his throat constricting as he tried to keep his tears at bay. He needed to stay strong for Levi...he couldn’t break, not when Levi would need him.

“Maman, Ça va maintenant. Ne t'inquiète pas pour moi, Tu peux partir maintenant. Soit en paix. Je t'aimerai toujours,” Levi’s voice was gentle and full of love, yet Eren could detect the pain laced underneath. It reminded him of when his dad had been killed in front of him, the unmistakable turmoil of knowing you were to forever lose a person who meant the world to you.

The knowledge that you would never see them smile again, or hear their laugh, or feel their warm arms wrapped tightly around you after a long day. That a day may come where you would forget the sound of their voice, where even their face would become but a distant blurry memory. The fear of facing the world without them by your side. 

It was the sort of wound that would never truly heal, no matter how much time passed. There would always come moments where you wished to pick up the phone and give them a call, to hear their voice on the other line whenever you needed someone to just listen. 

You would often think to yourself, is this possible? Can I live my life with them no longer here with me? Will I ever feel okay again? Will it always hurt this much, whenever I think of them? 

They were questions Eren expected he would get from Levi within the coming months as he watched Kuchel’s eyes drift closed, her lips barely managing to whisper out “Je t'aime, mon petit chou, je serais toujours avec toi.”

And then, she was gone, and all that was left was the sound of Levi sobbing filling the sterile hospital air. The white walls shining in the background, too plain for the brilliance that was Kuchel Ackerman. 

A single tear dripped down Eren’s face as he said softly, “until spring. Rest in peace, dear Kuchel.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to once again express my gratitude to those of you who have given this story your love. Your support and comments mean the world to me and make sharing this worth it. I hope you will stick around as I bring this to a close. 
> 
> TRANSLATIONS: 
> 
> “Tu as froid maman?” - "You are cold, mom?"  
> “Pas avec toi ici, ma chère.” -"Not with you here, my dear."  
> “Maman, Ça va maintenant. Ne t'inquiète pas pour moi, Tu peux partir maintenant. Soit en paix. Je t'aimerai toujours,”- "Mom, it's okay now. Don't worry about me, you can leave now. Be at peace. I will always love you,"  
> “Je t'aime, mon petit chou, je serais toujours avec toi.”- "I love you, my little cabbage (sweetie). I will always be with you." 
> 
> Again, roughly translated as it's been a while since I've spoken French. 
> 
> I'll see you guys on the next one.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your comments on the last chapter meant so much to me and I thank you for allowing me to hold your hand and bring you on this journey with me. This chapter, for me, is one of the most important ones of this story. It tells of acceptance, forgiveness, and the combined sense of loss and freedom from moving on from one's past. There is a beautiful sense of vulnerability in allowing yourself to examine your emotions and in accepting them, giving them the attention they need, and finally releasing them from the place deep inside your soul where they have been trapped awaiting their freedom.
> 
> I hope that what I have written here will mean as much to you as it means to me.

The weeks following Kuchel’s death reminded Eren of the winter after his father had died when he’d been temporarily shipped off to some family members living in Norway. It was cold, foreign, and most days the sun was in the sky for a mere four hours. He’d been estranged and depressed, the fear of never feeling those warm rays caress his skin again overwhelming him.

Kuchel had been Levi’s sun and watching him crumble beneath the darkness was almost as difficult as losing his father had been. Eren stayed by Levi’s side, comforting him in those dim hours, knowing from his own experience how vital it was to have at least one person who you could confide in. The choreographer refused to allow Levi to go through what he did, no one deserved to experience that feeling of abandonment.

There finally came a night when Eren stopped by Levi’s place to check up on him, finding the older man sitting in front of his laptop with a warm cup of tea steaming in front of him. The forlorn atmosphere that had been permeating the air the past three weeks seemed to have lifted. The heavy clouds of grief had lightened, and the sun’s beams were able to pierce through the thickness and shine down upon them once more.

“Eren, will you come with me to France? My mother's favorite spot in the entire world is there, and I have a feeling that is where she would like her final resting place to be.”

The younger man came to stand behind Levi, peering at the screen where two tickets for a weeklong trip to France were waiting to be purchased. His eyes drifted towards the price and he pursed his lips before replying, “I’ll go. But only if you let me pay for my ticket.”

Levi shook his head, “No. I am the one inviting you along for nothing other than the selfish desire to not be alone. I can’t let you pay for it.”

Eren sighed, “Fine, but you have to let me help pay for everything else once we get there.”

Levi turned to look at Eren, silver eyes still missing the fiery passion that once shined bright, the color now resembling the sky on a rainy day. He scrutinized the younger man’s face for a few moments before turning back around and clicking on the confirmation button as he spoke roughly, “it’s a deal. We’ll leave this weekend.”

Eren carded his fingers through Levi’s hair gently before leaning down to place a kiss on top of his head, keeping his face nuzzled there while mumbling, “sounds good. I’ll start packing and let Armin know I’ll be gone.”

He could feel the older man immediately relax underneath his touch, his voice lacking the bite that had been there only seconds before, “thank you.”

That weekend Eren landed at the Charles de Gaulle airport for the first time in his life. He’d heard stories of how hectic it could be and, combined with the language barrier, he felt utterly overwhelmed. There was an immense sense of gratitude that settled deep within him as Levi expertly guided them through the airport to the rental car that awaited them.

Although they landed in Paris, a city that the younger man had always wanted to explore, this would not be their final destination. Eren slumped in the passenger side of the car, much smaller than the cars he was used to, eyes heavy as he gazed out the window at the passing scenery. The landscape flew by, trees blurring together, and Eren found himself lost in thought as the hours passed by until they arrived at their cozy Airbnb in Paimpoint, France.

It was a small town; much different than the bustling city of Paris they had arrived in. Placed not far from the city of Rennes where Kuchel had spent her youth, it had a sort of mysterious charm to it.

As they situated themselves inside their temporary home, Levi began to finally explain to Eren where they would be going. “We’ll be staying here in Paimpoint for tonight and tomorrow we’ll be traveling through La Forêt de Brocéliande or, in English, the Brocéliande forest. It is a legendary enchanted forest full of magic and mystery, said to contain many surprises. The pathways through the forest are tinted with the blood of the Fae and the water is spoiled by the iron used to harm them. Deep within its depths lies the tombstone of Merlin and the forest is also rumored to contain the fountain of youth.

Locals will often speak of many other tales regarding the forest, and it is up to you whether to believe them or not. My mother loved this place because she said whenever she came here, it felt as though she entered another world. She’d lose herself exploring the forest for hours, forgetting all of her pain and misery while she set foot in a world of healing and magic.

I’d like to leave her ashes next to Merlin’s grave in hopes that those guarding him will also watch over her. It may seem silly...but I know deep in my heart this is what my mother would have wanted.”

Eren walked forward and wrapped his arms around Levi’s waist, closing his eyes and pressing his ear to his chest, listening to the melodious thumping of that precious heart that beat so strongly within. Never had he met a person like Levi, someone who wasn’t afraid to show their true self. A person who spoke their mind even when they knew it might get them into trouble. A soul that thrived off of life, that wanted to expand until it consumed the universe.

Levi reminded him of the galaxy. So far away and mysterious, yet beautifully bright and inviting, a world that could be uncovered if one cared enough to put in the effort. It was one of the most frightening things Eren had ever experienced, falling in love with a man like Levi, yet at the same time, it seemed natural. He couldn’t think of another person who would unhinge him so magnificently, tearing him apart at the seams until he was left with no other choice than to sew himself anew.

Levi’s arms tightened around Eren a moment later and they stood like that in the middle of their small Airbnb, surrounded by the quiet chatter of birds outside, the record player Levi had discovered upon entering churning out the somber voice of a female singer. And, although Eren couldn’t understand the lyrics, he could feel the pain and sorrow deep within the marrow of his bones.

_“Et si la terre est sombre, et si la pluie te noie_

_Raconte-moi, qu’on puisse trembler ensemble_

_Et si le jour ne vient pas dans la nuit des perdus_

_Raconte-moi, qu’on puisse crier tout bas_

_Crier tout bas”_

For all Eren had ever accomplished in his life, nothing would compare to the feeling of being so intrinsically connected to another human being. It felt as though he and Levi were one and the same, and yet, simultaneously such different people. He truly believed there was no greater gift in life than to love and be loved in return. No matter what happened in the future, Eren would never regret the time he’d spent with Levi and Kuchel. These were memories he would cherish deep within his soul for the rest of his life.

_“Et si la terre est sombre, et si la pluie te noie_

_Raconte-moi, qu’on puisse trembler ensemble_

_Et si le jour ne vient pas dans la nuit des perdus_

_Raconte-moi, qu’on puisse crier tout bas...crier tout bas...”_

•••

They awoke early the next morning when the sun had barely risen above the horizon, coating the world with warm hues of gold and orange. As it was early March, the weather was still rather chilly, and Eren found himself walking close to Levi for warmth despite the layers he wore. The older man was solemn beside him, black urn nestled safely between his arms as they made their way towards the forest.

Brocéliande was magnificent, a true fairytale come to life. As soon as they stepped foot inside the forest, Eren felt as though he had been transported to a whole new world. The air felt different here, fresher, the smell mildewy and ancient. There was a sort of magnetism in the air, as though whatever happened inside these trees was a secret, a space free from the scrutiny of the modern world.

His eyes darted from here to there, excitement building inside when Levi pointed out the streams discolored by iron and the strange discoloration of the trails underfoot. In any other scenario, the thought of Fae’s existing would have seemed preposterous, but here it only felt natural that magical beings would inhabit these lands.

They passed a tree coated in gold that reminded him of the antlers on a deer, a sculpture that Levi explained was commissioned after a fire struck Brocéliande to symbolize the renewal of the forest. For some reason, this idea struck Eren’s heart, implanting itself there as they continued to make their way through the trees.

After about forty-five minutes of trekking in the cool morning air, they came upon a clearing where a large rock was placed in the center surrounded in a circle by various smaller rocks and stones. The air shifted and the sounds of the forest animals faded away as they slowly crept forward until they were standing just outside of the circle, Eren hanging back and allowing Levi to have the space he needed to say his final farewell to his mother.

It felt as though time had ceased to exist at this moment as Eren watched Levi move forward and kneel onto the cold ground, head hanging low while he whispered words in French, voice full of love and sorrow, hands clutching at the urn hard enough for the knuckles to turn white from the pressure.

During Levi’s speech, a gentle breeze blew past and caressed his midnight locks, pushing them out of his face as though a mother’s fingers were brushing through them. Eren looked on, enchanted, as the older man tilted his head up towards the sky. There were tears freely rolling down his face and yet, the first true smile Eren had seen in weeks had made a home there.

It was then that Kuchel’s words came back to him, and Eren knew that she had been right. There was nothing more profound than the intuition that a mother had for her child...Levi would be _okay_. The realization nearly brought him to his knees, legs shaking beneath him, and he had to hold back the tears that threatened to break free.

With one final, “Je t'aime éternellement,” Levi placed the urn onto the small shrine full of various offerings in front of the grave before standing and brushing the dirt from his knees. His aura was vastly different than it had been since the night Kuchel died, as though a weight had finally been lifted. Levi turned to look at Eren, silver eyes shining like the moon once again, and the younger man could have sworn his heart burst from inside his chest.

Levi was _magnificent_.

“I’m ready to move forward now, I’m sorry it took so long.” 

Eren shook his head, “grief is handled in different ways. It comes and goes in waves, some stronger than others, causing more damage as they ravage through our hearts. Never apologize for needing space and time to grieve, Levi.” 

The older man stepped towards Eren and placed a palm on each of his cheeks as he leaned forward and pressed his lips against the younger man’s. Eren shivered beneath him, having missed how Levi tasted, the flavor of earl grey tea lingering on the older man’s tongue. 

The dancer pulled back and gazed up at Eren, the pure adoration in his eyes so profound that the younger man’s heart nearly stopped. Again, he was struck by the knowledge that no one had ever looked at him that way before... as if he held the entire universe in the palm of his hands. 

“Let’s go back and warm up, Bretagne is colder than I remember this time of the year.” 

Eren nodded, stomach filling with warmth as Levi wrapped his arm around his waist while they walked back through the forest. He would never forget how it felt to be deep inside the magical land with Levi by his side and he knew, even if he were to return someday, it wouldn't retain the same feeling.

Brocéliande had taken Levi’s pain and buried it deep beneath its roots, leaving him to be reborn golden.

That night found them tangled up together underneath the sheets, Eren was so very _open_ beneath Levi. This time around, he held nothing back. The younger man allowed himself to feel every emotion that rushed through his veins, to hold Levi deep within his heart, to show the dancer just how much he fucking _adored_ him. 

The first time they’d slept together had been emotional in its own way, but this was something much more profound. This was Eren accepting that he was irrevocably in love with the man above him, the feel of Levi deep inside of him filled with so much more pleasure now that he allowed himself to be honest and vulnerable. 

And Levi knew, without Eren voicing those words, he knew what it was that had blossomed between them. It felt like spring after a long and unrelenting winter, Eren’s broken heart opening up and spreading its petals, allowing for love to shine upon it once more. 

Afterward, once they were showered and comfortable, Eren noticed Levi was shifting uncomfortably behind him. It wasn’t like the older man to hold back when he was bothered by something, and Eren felt a pit of worry begin to grow in his stomach. 

“What’s wrong, Levi?” 

The dancer buried his face in Eren’s hair and sighed deeply, “I was thinking of how to say this. I wanted to apologize for the way I spoke to you a few weeks ago regarding your mother. I don’t regret what I said, and I still stand by my words, but I do know I should have chosen them better. You put yourself in a vulnerable position and I didn’t fully respect that.” 

Eren visibly relaxed upon hearing those words, “I forgave you for that a long time ago, Levi. Actually...I would like to thank you...for not holding back. It may have not been the right way to go about it but...you were right. I’ve actually been meaning to ask you something, I just didn’t know when the right time would be. You already have a lot on your plate.” 

Levi pressed a kiss to Eren’s nape as he responded quietly, “anything, ask anything of me and I will do it.” 

There was a long pause, air full of apprehension as the younger man worked up the courage to voice his request. It had taken weeks of contemplation, nights full of little to no sleep as he mulled it over in his head. 

“Will you go with me to see Carla when we get back?” 

Another lengthy pause, Levi’s arms tightening around him as the older man exhaled loudly, “of course, Eren. Of course, I’ll go with you.” 

It was time to finally let go of the past.

•••

The last time Eren had been this nervous was when he was seven years old and preparing to perform his very first solo dance in front of an auditorium full of strangers. He felt bare and vulnerable as he stood in front of Maria Psychiatric Institute. And, although he held Levi’s hand tightly within his own, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was isolated in his grief.

He felt like that ten-year-old boy watching his mother kill his father all over again before attempting to murder her child. Wondering what it was he had done to deserve such a fate, had he been a bad child? Maybe if he’d paid more attention to Carla he would have noticed something was off, that she wasn’t taking her meds. Maybe if he had been a better son she wouldn’t have ever felt the need to harm him, despite whatever mental state she was in.

“Eren, are you okay? We don’t have to do this today. We can come back another time.”

Eren shook his head, “no... I’m ready now. I’ve held off long enough. If I keep making excuses I’ll never come back.”

Levi squeezed his hand in return as they walked through the doors and to the receptionist, stating their names and who they had come to visit. The Psychiatric Institute wasn’t much different from the hospital, walls forlorn and white, the inside smelling strongly of bleach. Eren immediately disliked it.

A nurse came to greet them, seeming surprised that someone had finally come to visit Carla Yeager after so many years. “She often talks about you; I didn’t think you’d ever come to see her-” the nurse prattled on as her heels clicked against the linoleum floor- “she’s in a very good mood today. You picked a good time to visit.”

Eren didn’t respond, his heart thumping loudly in his chest as the nurse opened the door that led to the visitation area. It wasn’t any nicer than the lobby, although it had much more natural lighting, the large windows allowing the bright sunlight to shine through. There was a singular flat screen tv hoisted on the wall, a table full of board games whose pieces were replaced with much softer alternatives, and what looked like a small art area.

It was the exact opposite of a place Eren would have wanted anyone he cared about to stay in, and although he had no affection in his heart for Carla, he couldn’t deny the sense of sadness in knowing that she and others would be stuck in a place like this for possibly the rest of their lives.

“Eren?” a soft voice called out to him, causing his knees to buckle. If it weren’t for Levi holding onto him, the younger man would have fallen to the floor.

He whirled his head around, eyes landing on a woman who was sitting not far away. Her dark brunet hair was longer than it had been the last he’d seen her, filled with many gray strands, and her skin held none of the youthfulness she’d always been known for. Instead, her time in the institute clearly showed, face gaunt and deep bags set beneath bleak amber eyes.

Those eyes lit up as he took slow steps towards her, Levi leading him as he whispered words of encouragement in his year. Once they were seated, Eren looked everywhere but at Carla, his skin crawling in discomfort as he felt her eyes roaming over his figure.

“Eren...it’s so good to see you. I was starting to believe you’d never come to see me again. I wouldn’t have blamed you, I never have, but...how have you been? You’ve grown so much. You’re so...I’m sorry. I’m talking a lot. I never get any visitors.”

The choreographer took a deep breath before finally looking back at Carla, taking in the look of hopefulness on her face, so different than the way she had last looked at him. Her gaze told of a mother who loved her son unconditionally, not some monster who tried to kill him. It made no sense; this wasn’t how it was supposed to go. He shouldn’t be feeling _sympathy_ for her, having been left to rot in here alone all this time, not a soul left on the world who cared about her.

“I wasn’t sure if I would ever come, either. The last time we saw one another...I wouldn’t say we parted on good terms.”

Carla looked down at her hands, squeezing them together anxiously as she answered solemnly, “No, we didn’t.” She looked up, determination settling on her face as she continued to speak, “I want you to know that it wasn’t your fault, Eren. I’ve wanted to tell you that all these years, ever since I regained the slightest bit of sanity. You did nothing wrong. _Nothing_. You were the greatest son a mother could have ever asked for and I will eternally be remorseful for what I did to you. I know that no matter what I say, it can never make up for the amount of pain I caused. A mother is supposed to protect her child not...she’s not supposed to...”

She trailed off, voice becoming strained as tears began to pool in her eyes, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be the one crying. You’re the one who was hurt the most by all of this. I just... I need you to know, okay? Nothing that happened that day was your fault.”

Eren blinked, allowing Carla’s words to wash over him, wishing that his father could be sitting here with him as well. If anyone deserved an apology, it was Grisha. He had done everything he could for that woman and in return, he was given death. Eren wanted to scream, to cause Carla as much pain as she had caused him, but as he looked at her frail shaking body a sudden realization dawned upon him.

She had suffered just as much as he had.

The same day Eren had lost both of his parents, Carla had lost her husband and child. Beyond that, she’d lost her freedom and she would have to spend the rest of her life dealing with the knowledge that it was all her fault.

_“When I regained the slightest bit of sanity.”_

“You didn’t know...” Eren whispered, eyes brimming with unshed tears as the truth of what had transpired so long ago was finally revealed.

Carla shook her head, “I had no idea...I felt like I was trapped inside my own body. Everything was black, I couldn’t see anything and could only hear heavily muffled sounds. A prisoner in my own mind. When the doctors got me on the proper medication and released me from the cage my mental illness had locked me in, I didn’t want to believe it. I... I tried to kill myself several times. It took me a long time to get where I am now, and I still have days where I feel as though I don’t deserve to be alive.”

Eren bit his bottom lip, throat burning as he imagined what Carla must have experienced. To suddenly come to your senses and be told that you killed the love of your life and attempted to murder your own child. The pain and sorrow she must have felt...having to deal with that loss all on her own. He hadn’t been the only one who had suffered.

“Dad would want you to keep on living,” he said softly as he looked up at her, the closest to forgiveness that he could manage at that moment.

It was strange, he didn’t hate her as much as he thought he would. Seeing her again....it was both painful and liberating. She was alive and healthy, closer to the woman who he had grown up loving, and she did not deserve to die. What had happened that night had not been out of malice. There was no pre-meditation. It was an unfortunate circumstance that no one could have ever predicted.

Carla swallowed audibly as she grabbed a tissue and wiped at her swollen eyes, “thank you Eren. Thank you.”

It wasn’t a fix to all of their problems, and certainly wasn’t complete forgiveness, but there was an understanding that had blossomed between them. Each acknowledging and accepting one another’s agony. It was painfully beautiful in a way that could only be experienced by letting the past go. Eren could feel the scared ten-year-old that had been trapped inside of him break free, and he found it difficult to describe the emotions that came after.

They proceeded to cry together, laugh together, and speak of their time apart. It was only after around an hour of sitting there that he remembered he’d never introduced Levi to his mother.

“Oh...this is Levi, by the way. He’s my...” Eren paused, glancing at Levi as his cheeks turned pink. He wasn’t exactly sure what to call him. They hadn’t established they were boyfriends and that word somehow didn’t seem fitting for what Levi meant to him.

Carla smiled and reached out, taking Levi’s hands in her own, “It’s okay, I know. You two look at one another the way that Grisha and I used to. I’m happy that you’ve both found one another. The connection you two share is rare and precious, take care of it.”

Eren blushed darker and Levi laughed brightly, squeezing Carla’s hands as he thanked her. They only stayed for another twenty minutes after that, with visiting time ending and Carla showing clear signs of exhaustion. He made no promises to visit again anytime soon as he left, but there was an air of hopefulness floating around them. A path to a better future.

It was finally time to move forward.

•••

The weeks following the visitation with his mother were the happiest Eren had been in years. He still didn’t feel as though he were ready to fully allow her back into his life, but he had hope for a future in which she could become the mother he had yearned for the past fourteen years. It would undoubtedly take a lot of time and patience on both of their parts; however, he had a hunch that it would be more than worth it.

Despite his happiness, there lingered a sort of melancholiness deep within his soul, tearing him apart bit by bit. Something was holding him back, and until he was able to move past it, he couldn't grasp on to the belief of a happy future with Levi. The older man had been one of the best things to ever happen to him. He'd taught Eren the true meaning of life and what it meant to accept one’s inner self and move forward.

Eren had been more vulnerable and open since he’d met Levi than he’d ever been in his entire life and the dancer deserved to have a partner who was able to be fully committed to a future with him. Right now, Eren didn’t think he could be that person. Not when his heart told him he wasn't prepared to work towards that future.

As the days continued, this feeling grew heavier inside of him, and with it came frustrations. Eren was having a hard time concentrating on teaching choreography, he wasn't able to come up with moves that matched the music, and he began to take those exasperations out on those around him. One night after a long day at work, he came home and sat underneath the stars, looking up at the sky as though the answer to all of his problems would be written in the constellations above.

_“Eren, listen to me closely now. There will come a time where you will need to leave him, you will feel it deep within your soul, unable to rest until you do so. I know you will not want to leave him alone, but I can promise you he will be okay and in time he will understand. In life, we cannot always grow alongside others, some pains go too deep. Promise me, Eren. Promise that when you feel that calling, you will take flight and spread your wings.”_

He sucked in a sharp breath, heart constricting in his chest as Kuchel’s words ran through his head over and over again.

_How had she known?_

He dropped his head into his hands and, for the first time since he had been a child, began to sob uncontrollably. The thought of leaving Levi tore at him, his inner demons telling him how selfish it would be to hurt someone to fix himself, but he knew he could no longer continue living in this way.

He had been spending the past few months slow dancing in the dark, unable to move into the light, a part of his soul still clinging to the past. Now he knew that, despite his fears, it was time to let those black wings spread wide. He needed to fly.

He went back inside, got out his laptop, and purchased a one-way plane ticket before packing enough clothes to last him for a few months. With apprehension deep inside of his gut, Eren texted Levi telling him that they needed to talk.

The conversation wasn’t easy, it never was when it involved parting ways with someone who you deeply loved. However, Levi was far more understanding than Eren would have ever anticipated. They stayed together all night, wrapped in one another arms, making love and whispering words of affection in one another’s ears.

The next day, Eren kissed Levi goodbye, and although his heart was heavy he felt excited for the adventure that lay ahead of him.

“I’ll come back a better man, Levi. I promise.”

“And after a long winter, the flowers will blossom once more. Je te reverrai au printemps, mon amour.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you once more for your continued support of my works. For taking the time out of your day to be here and, as always, for your comments that make my day. I'll see you soon on the final chapter of this story. It's going to be difficult to say goodbye but we are all so ready to share the most beautiful part of this journey with you. 
> 
> Note: I visited La Forêt de Brocéliande during my time studying in France. To this day, it is one of the most magical places I've ever been to. Here is a picture of [Merlin's grave.](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/ff/2b/f5/ff2bf5a428da6e67ede6a26508eab2b0.jpg) I would highly suggest looking the location up if you're interested in learning more and, if you ever have the chance to visit, please do!
> 
> Translations:
> 
> "Et si la terre est sombre, et si la pluie te noie. Raconte-moi, qu’on puisse trembler ensemble. Et si le jour ne vient pas dans la nuit des perdus, Raconte-moi, qu’on puisse crier tout bas. Crier tout bas" = "If the earth is dark, if the rain is drowning you, tell me just so we can shiver together. If that day never comes during the night of the lost ones, tell me just so we can scream in a whisper, scream in a whisper" From the song [Crier Tout Bas ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lEVqmcdA54Y)
> 
> "Je te reverrai au printemps, mon amour." = "I will see you again in the spring, my love." 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here we are at the final chapter. This took longer than I anticipated to finish and was way more difficult to write than I ever imagined. I have a lot I'd like to say, however, I'll leave it to the end so that my words will have a more meaningful impact. 
> 
> Note: Please click on the link when you see it to listen to the song, it's important.
> 
> Edit: Now with [incredible art](https://flamoria.tumblr.com/post/618382237625384960/captain-redchar-commission-for-flamoria-i) by the absolutely talented Captain Redchar.

**One Year Later**

“Eren, are you sure you’re okay with this?” Armin’s concerned voice caused Eren to look up from where he was fumbling with the black silky neckline of his outfit, feeling a bit self-conscious at the amount of tan skin that was revealed.

He reached back and pulled his hair back into a loose bun as a sigh escaped him, his heart fluttering at the thought of what he was about to do. Was he okay with it? That was a difficult question. Many emotions were swirling through him right now and he couldn’t exactly discern which one was the strongest.

“I’ll be okay, Ar.”

It was a simple answer, but a truthful one. There was a time where Eren had thought he wouldn’t ever be okay again, where the world seemed as though it made no sense no matter how he looked at it. Pain wasn’t some linear path that one walked down. There were many twists and turns, sometimes even moments where one would need to turn around and retrace their steps, looking closely at where they may have gone wrong along their journey. At times one may even become lost along the way, the path in front of them becoming laden with obstacles that were nearly impossible to overcome. 

He’d learned throughout the past year that nothing was impossible, no matter how difficult it may seem. It was okay to have bad days, to allow yourself to feel those emotions. Vulnerability wasn’t a weakness, no, it was a sign of strength. To be able to open your heart up and dissect it, to examine what thoughts and feelings ran through the arteries and made it pump, to be one’s true self no matter how difficult it was. There was no greater form of courage than that.

Eren had spent so long hiding that when his heart had been split open, he hadn’t been able to recognize himself. He’d struggled to maintain his relationships and knew that had he remained behind; he would have eventually lost those that meant the most to him. Months spent traveling through different countries, meeting people from all walks of life, and giving himself the space to heal had completely changed his outlook on life. He’d been constantly surrounding himself with other people, investing all of his energy in their lives, that when he’d finally been on his own he’d not known how to behave.

What a beautiful thing it was to feel complete and utter loneliness, to laugh in the face of destruction and overcome it.

“I wish you would tell me where you were for those six months. You’re so different now. In a good way, don’t get me wrong. I’m just curious as to what caused that change.”

Eren adjusted his outfit, the long black silken pants flowing outwards, the material hanging off his body and fluttering much like wings on a swan would. He bent down and pulled his socks from his feet, leaving them bare, wanting to be able to feel the wooden floor beneath his toes. It was a way to center himself with the Earth as he moved, as much a form of comfort as it was a trick for retaining balance.

Tonight, Eren would finally spread his wings and soar through the sky once more. 

He walked up to Armin and pulled his friend into a tight hug, nearly tearing up as Armin’s arms wrapped around his waist and squeezed back with just as much force. Eren had missed his best friend while he had been gone, only contacting him occasionally to assure him that he was still alive. It had been the same with Mikasa, a text here and there, or a phone call as a way to let them know he was alive and well.

Levi had been the most difficult.

Eren had kept in touch with the older man more than anyone else, knowing that although he couldn’t be there with him physically he would still be needed. The nights that Levi had broken down over the phone, exhaustion and misery dripping from his voice, they’d almost been enough to bring Eren back home early. He’d wished so much that he could be there to wrap Levi up in his arms and hold him tightly, had yearned to wipe those tears away, and to whisper words of comfort against his temple.

But he couldn’t come back until his heart and soul were ready. He couldn't be the companion Levi deserved until he could understand himself. Eren needed the space to heal and grow so that he could return and make a promise to Levi that could be kept forever. And after six long months, when he showed up at Levi’s door and uttered those words, he knew in his heart that they were true.

_“I promise to never leave you again.”_

Levi had accepted him back into his life with open arms, his compassion and love far beyond what Eren had ever experienced. They sat together awake all night as both spoke about the six months they’d spent apart. Although it had been difficult on both ends, the two had learned a lot about themselves during those arduous months spent separated from one another. It opened up the possibility for understanding and communication, neither one of them having any lingering apprehension about holding back their emotions.

Of course, things between them weren’t always perfect. There were days where they argued or had a bit of difficulty expressing themselves, however, they kept their promises to one another that no matter what they would openly communicate. No one in this world knew Eren like Levi did and he couldn’t imagine his life without the older man in it. He knew, if not for Levi, that he wouldn’t be where he was right now.

“I’ll tell you someday Ar. Please be patient.”

Armin pulled back and ran his hands over Eren’s outfit, smoothing out any wrinkles that their tight embrace had created. He then looked up at Eren with a fond smile, eyes a bit glassy as he spoke, “I am glad that you and Levi found one another.”

Eren swallowed audibly and blinked a few times, doing his best not to tear up. He didn’t want to look like a notable wreck once he got up on stage, his emotions could come during the song. Not before. If he cried now, he was afraid he wouldn’t be able to follow through with this.

“Thank you, Ar. I’m glad we found one another too.”

“Good luck, Eren. I’ll be in the front row with Mikasa cheering you on. And don’t worry so much, you two have been practicing this for months. You’ll be amazing out there.”

Armin gave him one last grin of encouragement as well as a thumbs up before disappearing behind the curtain and making his way out to the seating area. Eren wrung his hands together and took a deep breath, looking in the mirror one final time to ensure his appearance was okay before heading backstage to meet up with Levi.

They hadn’t seen one another since they had arrived, each going their separate ways to get changed and prepared for the show. To say he was nervous was an understatement. It had been 16 years since Eren had danced on stage in front of a live audience and to be doing so with Levi Ackerman of all people...not only was the older man a legend but he was also the love of Eren’s life.

There would be no holding back his emotions tonight. Eren would be laid bare in front of his audience like a skinned animal, his very being unveiled for everyone to ogle at and dissect.

_Just breathe Eren._

_I can do this._

He pushed back the red curtains and strode onto the dimly lit stage, bare feet padding against the mahogany floor and barely making a sound. His eyes landed on Levi and he felt all of his breath leave his body at once, still unable to process how magnificent the dancer was even after all this time.

Levi stood before him with nothing but a pair of long flowy white silk pants on, his intricate tattoos on full display, swirling over his beautiful body. The dancer tilted his head to gaze back at Eren, eyes full of wonder and devotion, a slight blush creeping upon his face as he took in Eren’s form.

They simply stood there for a few moments utterly bewitched by one another, eyes locked together as the significance of what was about to take place truly hit them. Electricity thrummed through the air, the chemistry between them undeniable, and Eren found himself wondering for the millionth time how he’d been lucky enough to have gained the love of this man.

Levi was the first to move, turning fully and striding towards Eren before pulling him against his chest with so much force that the younger man had to let out a gasp. He buried his face in Levi’s neck and closed his eyes tightly, once again having to fight to keep his emotions at bay. He had gone for so long believing he’d never be loved fully for who he was, thinking that one couldn't look at his soul and still find him beautiful, and there were days that he still struggled with comprehending that it was okay to be broken. That he was worthy of both giving and receiving love.

It was impossible to convey his gratitude for Levi, to express exactly how much the older man meant to him. There were a thousand ways he could say “I love you” and none of them would ever be enough. Tonight, he vowed to go above and beyond to show Levi how much he absolutely adored him. He’d handpicked the song and choreographed the whole thing himself, bringing it to Levi with tears in his eyes and his heart in his hands.

And Levi had adored him for it.

Had held Eren in his arms and told him that he would love nothing more than to dance together on stage with him.

Eren never imagined that on that night almost a year and a half ago when Levi stopped him in the parking lot demanding why he had refused him would have led them to this moment. And, although he had no idea where the future would take them, he had a strong feeling it would be somewhere infinitely beautiful.

“I wish Kuchel and Grisha could be here,” Eren whispered against the hollow of Levi’s throat, words thick with sorrow.

Levi pulled back and stood on his bare tiptoes to place a chaste kiss against Eren’s forehead, “I wish they were too. Let’s go and make them proud.”

Eren nodded and grasped Levi’s hand, giving it one final squeeze before taking his place across the stage from Levi. They looked fondly at one another as the lights dimmed further and the voices beyond the curtain became hushed, anticipation filling the air around them. The hairs on Eren’s arms stood up as the beginning of the [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MLw3JCQSkCU) began to vibrate through the speakers, his heart breaking from the long months of winter solitude and blooming in his chest with the promise of spring.

“I love you,” he mouthed to Levi.

Levi’s lip twitched up in a smile and he brought his hand up to his chest, placing it above his Cygnus tattoo, a movement that had become his silent way of telling Eren he loved him in return. Loved him so much that he wished to etch him in the sky as a constellation so that the entire world could see how brightly he shined.

And then the curtains opened, and the stage became fully dark apart from two white spotlights that were trained on Eren and Levi as they danced opposite one another. The song was full of longing and heartache, of losing faith in the kindness of the world, of becoming lost as one tried to find love in a world full of such darkness.

Eren moved his body expertly, perfectly in tune with Levi as they shifted closer to one another only to be pulled away by an invisible force. His arms reached out, yearning to pull Levi close to him, longing for a place to belong. He could feel it deep in his chest, the familiar heartache of what it was to love someone so much that you feared it would break you.

Levi looked brilliant, his eyes shining with tears that threatened to leak down his face as his arms extended out in front of him. Their fingers barely brushed before Eren flung himself backward, flipping through the air, his clothing billowing around his body in beautiful waves. He dropped down onto the ground and gazed forlornly at Levi, watching as the dancer flitted away from him, beyond his reach.

It was the older man’s turn to spread his wings, black tattoos vibrant under the spotlight, muscles twitching beneath his skin as he bent his body in tune with the music, every movement spectacular and precise. He dropped down onto the floor and drug himself towards Eren, placing his hands on the younger man's face only for Eren to pull away once more.

The music picked up in volume and beat, stage going completely dark before lighting up again, only this time there was just one spotlight trained on the two men as they began to dance barely inches apart. They had fought to be together, struggling to overcome their inner demons until finally reaching a point where they could love without barriers.

Eren had never wanted anyone more in his entire life.

His heart felt as though it was going to burst from his chest as they wrapped their arms around one another during the last few seconds of the song, tears now freely streaming down his flushed face.

“I love you.”

“I love you more.”

The music faded out and the two men stood there in the middle of the stage, embracing one another tightly as they panted against one another’s flesh, hearts beating so erratically that it was all Eren could hear.

Seconds later the audience erupted in cheers, claps filling the air as well as shouts of amazement. He let go of Levi to look out at the crowd, a wide smile taking over his features when his eyes landed on Mikasa and Armin. His two friends were full-on sobbing but looked the happiest he had ever seen them. Eren had spent the past 16 years being afraid of allowing others to see the emotions he held deep inside.

He had thought that being vulnerable meant being weak, that people would see that part of him and detest him for it. Tonight, with all of those faces looking back at him in wonder, Eren realized how wrong he had been.

It was magnificent.

Gazing at the emotion in everyone’s eyes, seeing how much they were able to connect with him and Levi’s story, being able to cause that reaction through dancing on the stage was such an incredible feeling. How had he ever been scared of this? Eren placed his hand over his beating heart and closed his eyes as he tilted his head toward the ceiling.

_Did you see that, Dad?_

He was finally free.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a certain feeling that comes when finishing a story, especially one as personal as this. I remember back when Eren first began to whisper this story in my ear, how much I fought against him, not wanting to write something that was full of heartbreak and sadness. There was a certain beauty to it though, one that I could no longer deny. This final chapter is what began this entire story. I saw Eren and Levi dancing together on stage, full of so much love and passion, yet there lingered a melancholy note in their gazes. I wondered how they got to that point and thus Black Swan began. 
> 
> This has been one of the most challenging pieces for me to write as so many of my own emotions and experiences have been woven into these pages. I wasn't sure if I would be ready to let them go, however, now that I am here I can't help but feel a sense of relief. This experience has been especially cathartic to me and I am forever thankful for all of you who have come along with me on this journey. Whether you were here since the beginning, the middle, the end, or a long time after it has been finished I want to say I appreciate you. The comments I have received on this fic has made sharing it all the more worth it to me. Knowing that it has deeply touched readers who have been able to connect with it is more than I could ever ask for. 
> 
> This is the first multichapter serious fic I have ever finished and I wouldn't have it any other way. Although unplanned, I believe it has helped me evolve as a writer. There are some parts I may have done differently, and I am sure it could have been much better, but overall I am pleased with the end result. I hope that this story will find you whenever you need it most. I hope you enjoyed reading as much as I have enjoyed writing it. For those who are here because of being fans of my other works, thank you for your infinite patience while I delve into new things. For those who have never read my work before and find this, thank you for giving me a chance. 
> 
> I can't find the proper words to express my gratitude. It may seem silly, but sharing stories and interacting with all of you means the absolute world to me. It has given me a new outlet to express myself, one that I was missing for many years. 
> 
> Thank you, again. 
> 
> -Flame

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Last Night a DJ Saved My Life](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24767710) by [Reknownst](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reknownst/pseuds/Reknownst)




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